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posted 9/28/2007 10:55:20 AM |
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tagged: rant, confusion
  casuallylooking

I was supposed to go out of town this weekend to spend it with family and get something that I wasn't sure I wanted. But yet I did, very much. About 3:00 this morning, I got a call and plans had been changed. And now I'm driving myself crazy thinking about it.
My Mom died shortly after I turned 21. In Jan of 06 my Aunt had died and my Uncle last month. I got a phone call from my cousin a while after his funeral and she told me that they were going through some of her Mom's stuff and had come across a letter belonging to me. The letter was from my Mom. It was written shortly before she died and given to my Aunt to give to me. I think there must have been a mix up as to when she was supposed to give it to me. My Aunt evidently took it to mean after something happened to her, but surely Mom meant after something happened to her. The other makes no sense at all. All that time and not one damn word abut any letter. Yes, I am pissed and hurt and confused as to why.
I don't know what this letter says. I don't want to know. Not from someone else. I want to read it myself, in her handwriting. Very few things scare me, but I'm scared to death of reading this. Although we did become friends after I had my daughter--- 2 1/2 years before she died--my Mom hated me most of my life. I learned to forgive that, and now, I'm afraid of all that pain and hurt being brought back to the surface. Just knowing about the letter has done a lot of that. I'm afraid that once again she is going to tell me how I was never good enough and what a disappointment I was from the moment she discovered she was pregnant.How her life was ruined. But then what if it's good, and she maybe finally said she was sorry or that I wasn't a disappoontment any longer. I mean there is always that chance, isn't there? What if I don't read that to ever know. What if I do read it and then I have to deal with missing her all over again. I do know that many people would give anything to have this one last thing from someone they have lost. And I am trying to look at it in a positive manner. But, Over 25YEARS!! Is it better to let sleeping dogs lie sometimes? Especially if they tend to bite hard..
I was all prepared to get and read it this weekend, and now..... This is the third time something has stopped me from getting it.Since I've known about it. I can't get it this weekend but it would take me about 7 hours to drive down there and back this week sometime, or changing plans next weekend and do it. I know in my heart I want that letter, I do want to know what it says. I think. Any thoughts, other than I am being totally stupid? And where the hell did my determination and stubborness go?

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Comments:

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Lisa46

Sep 28 @ 11:07AM  
Yes just go and get it! Maybe you will want to read it now or maybe later at least it will be in your possesion when you are ready for it!. Now pull up your socks and just do it!
funnygirl730

Sep 28 @ 11:09AM  
the unknown is worse then reality most of the time.just remember you are an adult now and as long as you are at peace with yourself whatever is in that letter is nothing but words.if you are so disturbed by not knowing i would drive and get it settled.goodluck in whatever you decide and remember words only hurt if we allow them.
ynot7769

Sep 28 @ 11:10AM  
yeah i got a thought...OVER NIGHT MAIL no long trip and saves cash......and you still get to read it on your own..not read to you ........
Pudge2you

Sep 28 @ 11:10AM  
You have to get that letter. read or not it's yours. You don't know what it says. I could be a long heartfelt apology or it could be just another ass ripping either way it's yours to read, burn whatever! Go get it.
whisperingcomet

Sep 28 @ 11:17AM  
'Wow, what a tough spot. Have you decided yet? Personally I would do what ever I had to do to get the letter. Did your mom die unexpectly or from an illness. The reason I ask, is because I would be wondering what I would say to my daughter if I knew that I had a limited time to be with her, expecially if we had had a rocky relationship.
I'm sure that you have already thought of this, but when your mother wrote this letter,she would have either been about the age you are now, or maybe younger.And as I am about the same age as you, I know how many things I dont know, but my heart says your mom is using the letter to let you know how much she loves you and how sorry she is for the mistakes she made in your childhood. My mom has been gone for 10 years, and I would love to get a letter from her. I think your mom is reaching out from the grave to contact you. Good Luck
loveableone

Sep 28 @ 11:18AM  
Yes! 100% Get that letter!!! If you dont want to drive, go with YNOTS advice, but do get the letter, I think you will regret it later in life, if you choose not to!! Good luck with your decision!
NachoBaby

Sep 28 @ 11:19AM  
May I suggest making sure that you have a friend over when you DO read it? Good or Bad you are gonna need a shoulder. I sure hope it's a nice letter. I really do.

Ain't it amazing what our parents do to us? A parent's job should be to build their children up, give them the confidence to face the world without fear.. instead so many just spend all their time tearing their kids down. That breaks my heart.

Hugs Treas... read your letter baby.
MamMan

Sep 28 @ 11:21AM  
I have to go with the majority...if you have it in YOUR possession, you have power over what to do with it and how to handle its contents. As long as others possess it...you are powerless and without control over your emotions and your thoughts.

So get...by travel, mail, or any other means necessary.
Wordsofwit

Sep 28 @ 11:26AM  
She wrote it wanting closure in all likelihood. You also need closure.

I would have it sent certified and insured by US mail, or by UPS or FedEX as opposed to driving down. That way you can read it at home when you get it without having to deal with anxiety, distraction or any other emotional fall out combined with a seven hour drive back home.

Solicit your Spirit for strength and serenity with confidence in it being granted.
hornytoad55

Sep 28 @ 11:52AM  
Casuallylooking, I agree with ynot. You should have it sent to you unless you want to visit with kin. If you go get it take someone with you because which ever way the letter takes it will be emotional for you. You may be unsafe to drive back. With is sent to you we will have control of whether you read it or not. It is probable an applause or a secret she has kept for years to share with you after death. What ever you choose our thoughts are with you. I would be good if this could take away some of the pain she has caused you in your life.
31sunshine

Sep 28 @ 12:08PM  
I was once in a similar situation, having a letter that I wasn't sure I wanted from my mother. I was 3 when she walked out on me and my brothers and we've never been able to create a relationship since she came back into my life.

I'd say have them overnight you the letter so you have it. And then keep it until your ready to read it. Most likely there will come a point that you are ready to hear what she has to say. And like Nacho said, have someone with you when you read it because you need support.

The only other thing that I can suggest is this: if you really think it will be a negative letter, have a trusted friend read it first and give you that information. Then you can decide if you really need to hear what she said. I know for me, having the letter even though I never read it was/is enough for now. Maybe someday I'll read it but I'm not ready.

Good luck Sweetie
slohand_47

Sep 28 @ 12:09PM  
I agree with Nacho..... have a friend over when you read it.

OR.......... Who is your best friend in all the world....... have them read it and decide whether you should read it or not. Yes, it is a personal letter..... but given the history with your mom..... it's 50 / 50 whether she was trying to heal or hurt.

Either way..... do it NOW.
IF it is bad news...... it can't be any worse than the hell you put yourself through the past month thinking about it.
IF it is GOOD news...... you've agonized a month for nothing.
Ewe_Wish

Sep 28 @ 12:38PM  
Wow! Treas You haven't mentioned the letter lately I thought maybe you were just putting it aside for a while. You remember what i told you girl, that you have a letter--a part of your mother (whether good or bad) that she left behind--you get that word after they are gone, that any of us would want to have with someone we lost. Good or bad, it doesnt matter, you know who you are and you know you are good person. You mother's words no longer have the power to control your life, you know where you have been and what you have been thru, and that is the stuff that has molded you into being the wonderful person you are today. So if its good news Great, if she says bad things...So What? She doesnt know you, not the you that You are today, and sadly honey she didnt know the real you when she was a live.

I love you and I am here if you need me.
thomashinton

Sep 28 @ 12:59PM  
Wow thats some news from the grave. I have no advice, but no matter what it says be true to yourself.
zena343

Sep 28 @ 1:14PM  
I totally agree with Ynot, get the letter sent to you, instead of driving a long way to get it, then read it and have to drive home. Even if you chose to drive and read it after geting home.........the wait would be too much I think. When my daughter was a few months old, I also wrote a letter (which I update every few years) for her just incase something happens to me. I would want her to know just how much I love her and how much she means to me. I gave it to my sister to give to her when I am gone. God Treas I hope it is a lovely letter that your mom wrote to you, please god she would not leave a nasty one,,,,,,,,,what an awful burden for a mother to put on her child!!! Just remember she CANNOT TAKE A WAY FROM THE PERSON 'YOU' ARE!! Best of Luck to you
jezzarae

Sep 28 @ 2:17PM  
Although I am not a super religious type person I can't help but think it is evil stopping you from getting your letter. I agree with Ynot. Have the letter sent priority to you. Then as Nacho says have a friend with you when you read it. A good friend will understand if you need to be alone once it is read but you also have the security of someone being there if you need them.
Closure is very important and even if it is 25 years later it is never to late. Read the letter and let it be over. This wondering and worrying is doing more damage to you than actually reading the letter. Hugs and positive thoughts to you Treas.
Sunshinegal35

Sep 28 @ 2:34PM  
Can't your cousin send you the letter? Saving you the trip of driving seven hours to go and get it?
That way, you'll have it to read where you feel the most comfortable- in your own home!
I agree with nacho, invite a friend over for moral support. If it's a good letter, then you can share that. If it's a bad letter, you'll have shoulder to cry on.
It's been my experience that people who usually write letters like this do not write bad stuff. They are ready to clear the air or absolve themselves of sins committed in the past.
Hang in there but don't drive yourself crazy. Easier said than done, I know!
Argit01

Sep 28 @ 2:51PM  
I suggest you collect the letter and read it. THis way you will have closure. My mum died over 2 years ago and I still have not grieved for her. I still rush home every day thinking she will be waiting for me. If only I had taken the time to do so when she was alive I wouldn't feel so guilty that I could have done more for her. I still blame myself for not standing up for her and getting her into a scheme where she could socialise instead of sitting indoors all day as she didn't have any legs and so could not leave the house without assistance!
StraddleMyNose

Sep 28 @ 6:36PM  
A lot of good advice here. Just like what Ynot and Loveableone said, I agree with them.
straightup_9

Sep 29 @ 1:23PM  
Not knowing is always worse than knowing....Get the letter, and read it....You will not regret it...I don't know when the letter was written...was it before you became friends?....or after?....I have letters I have written to my children, to be given them after my death....to simply tell them in writing all the things i could not put in words verbally.

What ever is in there, good or bad, is something your mother wanted you to know...A peek inside her real feelings at the time....

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Suggestions, Help, Advice?