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Tips for Northerners Visiting The South

posted 9/25/2007 4:50:19 PM |
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Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners and NE Urbanites:\

1 ) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day.
Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther,> Ray,> Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, Bubba, etc.).
Or we will just HAVE to kick your ass.

3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up, or whatever-it's still a Coke. Accept it.
Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you are (e.g.Welty, Williams, Faulkner, etc.). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass.

5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g. Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape, etc.). Naturally, we sometimes have small lapses in judgment (e.g. Carter, Edwards, Duke, Clinton, etc.). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the U.S. Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick their ass.

6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, or if Stonewall had lived, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll really kick your ass.

7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.

8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will know instantly that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended-with gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.

9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.

10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern shitholes like Detroit,Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked real good.

11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your ass.

12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers has caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to the Boston Harbor.

13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people.
Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.

14) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense not to live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or Baltimore. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.

15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to barbecue. DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT! This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box! Minus your ass!!

PS: We are much, much, more serious about our football than we are about our

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post a comment!


Sep 25 @ 5:00PM  
Ahhhh I miss the south somethin fierce!

Sep 25 @ 5:10PM  
little northern envy going on here combined with way too much time on your hands

Sep 25 @ 5:13PM  
Ya'll done made me homesick!!! Good one!! Would make my Granny proud!

Sep 25 @ 5:44PM  
And dont bring your local college football team......

We'll pummell them!!!!!!!!


Sep 25 @ 6:00PM  
OMG- he's going to kick my ass! This past weekend I put sugar on my grits! I had no idea this was a punishable offense!

Sep 25 @ 6:23PM  
sugar in grits at breakfast ain't a punishable offense - my grammy and gramps in Winston-Salem did it and they lived and died in NC all their lives. Now if grits were served at dinner, lunch or supper, that's a different story.

Sep 25 @ 6:48PM  
Also, Tea is sweetened.....

Thats why they call yours Un sweetened, cause its a negative thang.

Sep 25 @ 6:50PM  
i still cant believe your still pissed off that you lost the Civil War.

Sep 25 @ 6:57PM  
My Daughter was born a GRITS (girls raised in the South) I lived in Alabama for a year. I loved being able to wear shorts in January and February!!! My Blood was Still Think from the North. Plus it's salt and pepper on Grits and gallons of Sweet Tea for me. But I'm back in the North now, and can't find a decent glass of Sweet Tea anywhere!!!

Sep 25 @ 7:22PM  
Having grown up in yankeeland (even though ALL my grandparents were born south of Missouri) lived in GA, LA, TX, KY, and MO. This is true stuff.:)
Then having lived in Michigan later, I find the hardest thing to do is refrain from saying "How y'all doin', eh?"


Sep 25 @ 8:12PM  
I think I have only broke about 9 of those tips.

Sep 25 @ 8:44PM  
it's ok ksk72....IGNORANCE IS BLISS in the SOUTH~~it's just like living with the Dukes of Hazzard! They won't even know you made a mistake. Watch your back tho and may I suggest a Kevlar vest as Southern women are the absolute snakes at stabbing you in the back and pullin the sword out without you even knowing it! Maniplative is ALLof their middle names.

Sep 25 @ 8:54PM  
you are a riot ...... thanks for posting.......think I am gonna swipe it and pass it around .

Sep 25 @ 10:51PM  
right on. haha those are all very true.

Sep 26 @ 12:10AM  
I agree with most everything listed and explains why my ass was sore most of the time I lived in Mobile, AL for seven years!

Couple of exceptions tho- I always understood the word was "soda" instead of pop or coke!

And don't order steak and eggs at the Waffle House diner- it was like ordering a bunch of White Castle burgers back here at 3a.m. after a all night beer drunk! I liked the WHATA Burgers tho!

But, I loved it there and miss the area!


Sep 26 @ 12:35AM  
Having spent the majority of my life in California, I feel an ass kicking coming on. Will it help if I did live in North Carolina for 4 years?!?!?!

Sep 26 @ 1:11AM  
Now Ash.......every 1 knows the only good college F-ball teams come from good ol TEXAS

Sep 26 @ 1:46AM  
Thanks for giving all the northerners a real lesson in southern ways. lol I'm a Bama Belle myself and couldn't be more proud. Come on over sometime, I'll serve you up some greens and fried chicken and sweet tea that will melt in your mouth. It'll be worth the trip, I promise.

Sep 26 @ 1:55AM  
Now Ash.......every 1 knows the only good college F-ball teams come from good ol TEXAS

hhhmmmmmm... I have to disagree...


UUummmm... yeah, sorry. We are about as fucking Northern as you can get.

Sep 26 @ 9:23AM  
Now Ash.......every 1 knows the only good college F-ball teams come from good ol TEXAS
Hook Em Horns!!!!!

Sep 26 @ 9:45AM  
Nice who comes to the south, takes pictures, spend their money and go home.

Damn who comes here, buys property and stays.

A-hole who comes here, buys property and stays, then tells all us southern folk how they do things up north.

Some Yankees come here to fix the mistake of being born in the north.

alloy'all have a wonderful day now.....

Sep 27 @ 5:25PM  
Do you mind if I add, dont bitch about the heat here, yes it gets hot, and yes many days we use heat in the morning and air conditioner in the afternoon. Man I want to kick some northern ass.

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Tips for Northerners Visiting The South