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The UnBEARable Truth

posted 8/20/2007 2:34:46 PM |
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One time, I asked what may have been a dumb question of a friend that was answered by his responding with a question. His reply, “Do bears shit in the woods?”

I had watched Wild Kingdom since Eisenhower was president plus, in the past 20 years, a lot of Discovery channel, National Geographic channel, and Animal Planet to name a few.

I had stepped in cow shit, knew people that did horse shit, people that acted chicken shit, heard people that spoke bullshit, smelled more than my share of dog doo, and even saw elephant dung. But I had never seen or really seen evidence of bear shit.

I don’t remember Yogi or Boo Boo pooping or Gentle Ben for that matter. The closest hint is on the Charmin commercials and though the bear plays with the Charmin like a stripper with a feathery boa, the paper was always white with no skid marks and he did not appear to have any dingle berries on his butt.

In my thirst for knowledge, I had to know. So I decided to get the answer by going to the zoo.

The first bear I saw, a black bear, seemed to be angered by the question. “How the hell should I know. I have never seen the woods. My ancestors were packed up and sent to the fucking zoos against their will!”

Next I came across a panda bear. He didn’t seem to care. “Woods? What the hell does that have to do with price of tea in China? All I am concerned about is my bamboo.”

The koala bear did seem interested, but it was all about her. “Shit? Is there shit around here? If so, it is the males doing it. Is there poop in my fur? Do I look fat in this tree? Bears need to be judged by what is on the inside, not by how much they weigh. Besides, everybody comes to see me because I inspired the teddy bear and am the only bear around here that is cuddly.”

I came across a brown bear. “Why the hell are you asking all of those lazy fuckers. I spent 15 of the best years of my life working in the Moscow Circus and these other bums never worked a god damned day in their lazy ass life for anything!”

The grizzly bear wasn’t very friendly either. “It’s always about stereotypes and always has been. It is the media that promotes it, the liberals in Hollywood.
Every old movie set in a hunting lodge does it. You see a bear head mounted on the wall. Who is it? The grizzly bear. Some cowardly comedian always has to hide under a bear skin rug, and whose skin is it? The grizzly bear!”

Finally, I happened upon a polar bear. “Do you think bears are entitled to woods? Everybody feels that everybody owes them something. My family and ancestors never asked anyone for a damned thing and we sure as hell didn’t have any woods! We always had to walk to the sea to hunt for seals, and it was ten fucking miles uphill both ways.”

Dismayed, I pondered the fact that I had not gotten the answer that I sought as I strolled by the monkey compound.

Then it hit me. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a sudden movement and turned just in time to be hit in the mug by a turd, courtesy of a spider monkey's fastball.

I suddenly realized that shit was everywhere. Even when you least expect it, somebody will give you some shit, often for no reason. Everybody does it, sees it, and spreads it. All I had to do was look around and see what was shown and not give a shit about what everybody else thinks to make up my mind about important shit.

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post a comment!


Aug 20 @ 2:36PM  
You can also get too shit faced too.

Mon August 20, 2007 BELGRADE, Serbia (Reuters) -- A 23-year old Serb was found dead and half-eaten in the bear cage of Belgrade Zoo at the weekend during the annual beer festival.
The man was found naked, with his clothes lying intact inside the cage. Two adult bears, Masha and Misha, had dragged the body to their feeding corner and reacted angrily when keepers tried to recover it.
"There's a good chance he was drunk or drugged. Only an idiot would jump into the bear cage," zoo director Vuk Bojovic told Reuters.
Local media reported that police found several mobile phones inside the cage, as well as bricks, stones and beer cans.

Aug 20 @ 2:53PM  
I am going to refrain from comment, because I am a sheep and I don't give a shit.


Aug 20 @ 3:07PM  

Aug 20 @ 3:23PM  
Old Eddie Murphy stand up joke that he claimed was for the kids, so they could go to school and repeat the next day.
Bear's taking a shit in the woods when a rabbit comes along. The bear asks the rabbit "Hey rabbit, do you have trouble with shit stickin' to your fur to which the rabbit replies I don't think so, the bear picks him up and wipes his ass with him.

Aug 20 @ 4:41PM  
Great blog Wordsofwit, Here's a kudo to help get that can of lysol! God-bless . . .

Aug 20 @ 4:54PM  

Aug 20 @ 4:55PM  

Aug 20 @ 5:09PM  
Awesome satire,awesome.

Aug 20 @ 6:07PM  

Aug 20 @ 6:26PM  
Thank you very kindly everybody. I had a few giggles and grins as I let roll. I heard the bear and rabbit joke told before Murphy by Gallagher in the early eighties. I have also seen, not once but twice, monkeys hit the mark with a turd. One was in my direction, I dodged it but the woman behind me wasn't quite as quick.

Aug 20 @ 6:28PM  
I prefer to be called "cracker"........

Aug 20 @ 7:33PM  


Aug 20 @ 7:40PM  

Aug 20 @ 7:46PM  

Aug 20 @ 7:57PM  


Aug 20 @ 8:16PM  


Aug 20 @ 8:32PM  
Bears do indeed shit in the woods, I had proof on a pair of hikers a year or so ago.

Aug 20 @ 9:09PM  
Shit Happens

Aug 20 @ 9:57PM  
Great blog my friend. Now why hasn't anyone posted a gif of shit hitting the fan?

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The UnBEARable Truth