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When is it Ok? When is the timing right?

posted 8/19/2007 10:49:05 AM |
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Quick story then a question...
Last night I was hangin out at my favorite Saturday night local dive bar. I've been going there for years so I'm pretty damn comfortable. I walked up to the bar to get a drink and I happened to walk into a conversation. Apparently this guy thought I was cute/easy so he started talking to me asking me where WE (as in him and I) were going that night. I promtly told him I was going home... ALONE. He got his foot in the door he said and bought me a drink (anyone here can tell you I am not a cheap date, long islands ONLY if someone else is buyin LoL) After getting our drinks from the bar tender we turned around and headed for my table with my friends. Not three steps from the bar, and MAYBE 10 minutes after meeting this guy, he slaps me on the ass so hard the woman in front of us hears it hit. I immediately get pissed and tell him he's crossed a line and that's not cool with me. "Thanks for the drink" and I hurry off to my table w/o him, presumably. Once we get there the bouncer is informed of this guys actions and he "takes care of it". Dude who bought me a drink comes over and appologizes, telling me that the timing was right. "Obviously not, don't put your hands on me like that." Ten seconds later he's trying to rub my shoulders. I dodge out of that and tell him flat out, do NOT touch me. He gets pissed tells me to enjoy my night and my expensive drink and leaves the bar. Thank GOD.

So here's my question to all you AMDers out there... when is that kind of move OK? When is the timing right? Was I out of line for being upset with him for touching me like that? What's your take on the whole escapade?

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Aug 19 @ 10:58AM  
First off I am sorry you had to run into a pig like him...

Second you definitely were not wrong in any way.. He is a slob and was extremely disrespectful to you..

Timing? That depends on you.. Like the saying goes if it feels good do it.

Any guy who does what he did to you should be kicked in the rear and thrown out of the bar..

Aug 19 @ 11:07AM  
You where absolutley right there is no distinct right time if the chemistry is correct it could be right away but that is up to both of you it take 2 for a chemical reaction

Aug 19 @ 11:13AM  
I am really surprised in a neighborhood bar where, I assume, most of the people are regulars that the bouncer didn't keep an eye on him. Then come over and tap him on the shoulder while saying something to the effect of, "There is one too many men around here and I think it's you."
I am also surprised that you didn't give him his drink back as in throwing it in his face. If you would have declined his offer to buy you a drink that might have ended it right there. But even in accepting it, he has no right to expect a damned thing.
If people are talking one on one, it is one thing. But if a woman is partying with a group of her friends, it is totally uncool to violate her space without being invited.
It sounds like that guy is in a time warp going back to the disco era when everybody was expected to fuck everybody else. Any guy with any awareness can tell if a woman is interested in progressing beyond conversation.

Aug 19 @ 11:21AM  
IMHO, the "timing is right" for touching and what not when the female has clearly indicated that kind of thing would be welcomed. Typically you would touch HIM on his leg, arm or whatever to get the ball rolling. It comes down to reading body language and responding appropriately - clearly slapping someone on the ass would not be approriate under most circumstances. Perhaps if you said "I just LOVE to get my butt spanked and winked at him this action would have been OK." LOL

Sounds like he is either a major asshole or he is just really clueless on reading people. Since he was angry I wonder if he actully thought that you would enjoy getting your ass slapped?

Aug 19 @ 11:27AM  
You know I worked in a little corner bar! I loved it and it was common knowledge NO one touched me cause I would knock them out! One man who was much older than me would occasionally goose me just to see how far I would jump. It was never done sexually just as a joke. One man (not of our local group) decided to hit on me when he didn't get the hint I went to the biggest regular there and told the man that is my brother go tell him you want to "fuck my brains out" guess what he left and didn't come back NO ONE has the right to touch you unless you are a willing participant!

Aug 19 @ 11:28AM  
He's a pig, only after one thing. I don't go to bars anymore, almost never bought a lady a drink in a bar. The main reason women go to bars is so guys will buy them drinks. If a woman can't buy her own drink then she is playing the guy just for a drink, then this kind of stuff happens. I'm not blaming you that he bought you a drink and acted like you owed him something, he's a pig. What he continued doing is never okay.

Aug 19 @ 11:37AM  
I wasn't there, so I can only comment on your side of the story. Something doesn't add up when you first said that you weren't interested (apparently in a physical relationship), then he thought he got his foot in the door. These are the kinds of things that can happen when people play games.
I digres, If I'm talking to a woman at a bar, then either she has to tell me she wants physical contact or I'll just ask her outright if she wants to fuck. Otherwise, it's not worth it.
Ladies, if you should be confronted by a man who won't take "no" for an answer, then don't continue to lead him on in any way, shape, or form.
When someone buys a drink for you, they do so at there own expense, period. If there are any obligations at all, then we are only obligated to be true to ourselves...


Aug 19 @ 11:43AM  
Never... and this kind of thing is why one of my friends insists that I start a near riot every time I go to the bar. Someone buying you a drink doesn't entitle them to anything *other* than a polite "Thank you".

Aug 19 @ 11:51AM  
Umm, a swift punch to the cock would've sufficed,or a "vodka shower."Man,that guy was a douchenozzle.

Aug 19 @ 11:51AM  
If he caomes off as dirt bag to begin with, never except a drink from him made out of gold. it encourages the dumbness that you feel is possible to begin with. He never had a right to to touch you. I was waiting for the part of the bouncer tossing him out on his over drunk ass.

Aug 19 @ 12:31PM  
I've never understood the whole "buy someone a drink" routine. It's a cliche that women go to bars, EXPECTING not to buy any drinks themselves, because some desperate loser will buy them a drink, hoping that drink will be the one to lower her inhibitions (and standards). I can see the reasoning, but I can't understand it. (Of course, I'm also practically a tee-totaler, so I don't understand the whole "let's get drunk and screw" routine, either. The former part, at least. :)

Guys shouldn't buy drinks hoping to score (that's what witty banter and chemistry are for). Women shouldn't accept. Each should buy their own drinks, because this isn't a date, and it's certainly not a business deal.

I've also never understood why some guys think it's sexy to slap a woman on the butt. Too much porn, I think. Not every woman is into BDSM, so physical violence isn't the way into a woman's "inner sanctum," in most cases.

And final comment I want to make: Women, PLEASE, don't pull the whole "throw a drink in a guy's face" routine. (Yes, I like the word "routine"... And no, it hasn't happened to me, mainly because I don't drink often, I don't go to bars, and I don't try to pick up strangers.) That's a clear case of misdemeanor assault, and if the laws were applied fairly and equally, you'd end up spending the night in jail. It is completely unjustified--if you're being bothered, that's what bouncers are for. In addition, it's a waste of perfectly good alcohol (unless you're buying the cheap stuff).

To summarize: Guys, you can't expect to buy sex by plying with alcohol. Gals, you shouldn't expect to get alcohol by implying sex (at least not without a few mixed signals). And for the love of God, think of the alcohol! Won't someone think of the alcohol? :)

Aug 19 @ 12:45PM  
I think the timing was dead wrong and the guy was out of line...

Aug 19 @ 1:29PM  
I'm sorry. I thought you wanted me. Could you send me the $$$ that I paid for the drink.

Aug 19 @ 1:30PM  

The main reason women go to bars is so guys will buy them drinks.

I don't. I don't expect men to buy me drinks. If I do go to the bar I have my own money to buy my own drinks.

Aug 19 @ 2:17PM  
LOL...well the timing has to be right - for BOTH people. LOL.

guys and girls that are wired right tend to 'pick up the vibes', 'feel the chemistry' or 'feel that they've clicked' (or whatever clever term you want to use). and *that* is when they'll make a move. not before ;)

some people either lack the right wiring or lack the upbringing to discern those 'right' moments, however. for what it's worth, it sounds like you handled yourself well in that situation, though.


Aug 19 @ 2:36PM  
when is that kind of move OK? When is the timing right?
When the woman feels comfortable enough to allow touching and when she indicates it is okay to do so. That man was a pig and you had a damn lucky escape.

Aug 19 @ 2:39PM  
BuddhaDon was right, if your not interested in the guy, (you say your not). Why would you accept a drink? sounds like you played him, and drug some other unsuspecting "Big Guy" into your game, and now you are fishing for acceptence, Does it ever end? You are the reason I quit going to bars years ago.

Aug 19 @ 2:40PM  
BuddhaDon was right, if your not interested in the guy, (you say your not). Why would you accept a drink? sounds like you played him, and drug some other unsuspecting "Big Guy" into your game, and now you are fishing for acceptence, Does it ever end? That is the reason I quit going to bars years ago.

Aug 19 @ 2:45PM  
There is a time and place for that and in a bar the first time that you meet someone and think that by buying them a drink gives you the right to make advances toward the person that you dont know or have just met for the first time. That timing is when the woman lets the man know that she is interested in him at that time, but then they need to use some control as to what type of touching is appropriate. This dude was apparently under the influence of terminal stupidity when it comes to women. Not all women that go to bars to spend time with friends are there looking for a good time. If it would have been me I would have thrown the drink that he bought me in his face.

Aug 19 @ 3:23PM  
If you did not want him to touch you like that and didn't encourage him to do so, then No you were not out of line for getting upset about it.
Personally, I don't let a total stranger buy my drinks. Regardless of what I'm drinking. That saves the possibility of any misunderstandings.

Aug 19 @ 4:37PM  
I'm getting a mixed bag and that's nice but I feel the need to elaborate on some things here now.

1. I absolutely do NOT go to bars just to get guys to buy me drinks. For cryin out loud. LoL I went up to the bar tender to buy my own drink and the guy offered to pay for it! Mind you, he didn't have to they were free for me that night anyhow. The bartenders owed me LoL.
2. I WAS interested in getting to know the guy in the beginning. Dude was like 7' tall (I'm not kidding, I was eye level with his nipples) and wasn't a bad looking guy. I'd seen him in there before so I thought why the hell not have a conversation with him. However, I also made it CLEAR (in my mind) that I was NOT interested in a sexual encounter before he even offered to buy me a drink. He tried to get me to take him home, I laughed in his face and said it's not gonna happen. Then he offered the drink.
3. I stopped being interested in him when he slapped me on the ass. I told him he crossed the line and be-lined for my table.
4. When the bouncer was brought into it, he told Dude that I didn't appriciate it and that he needed to go make it right, when Dude came over to do that (which is fine, I'll accept an appology and let you be on your way.) it was realized that Dude was an ex boyfriend of one of the girls I was with, so they spent a few minutes catching up. Thats when he put his hands on me AGAIN. I turned to him, looked him dead in the chin (his eyes were too far away LOL) and told him he didn't know me like that and do NOT put your hands on me.
5. I would have continued to be cool with him, I had clearly stated me boundries at that point but having a conversation never hurt anything. If he hadn't reacted the way he did and ran out of the bar like a dog with it's tail between his legs things would have been fine.

I don't go to the bar expecting drinks form anybody other than myself. When I do go to the bar, normally I'm driving so I only have one or two anyway. However, if someone is going to offer to buy me a drink, I'm not going to turn it down. I'm not stupid.
And I would never EVER throw a drink in someone's face. I'll knock them the fuck out... sit back down and enjoy the drink that they bought. LoL

Apr 21 @ 9:49PM  
timing is only right when he slaps you on the ass and you smile or moan

Though it's hard for us guys to know when it's right.

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When is it Ok? When is the timing right?