Most of you know i've been moonlighting , lately. Things have gotten a little slow in the housing market, of late, so i thought i'd try and make better use of my extra time. Being a bit of a philanthropist, i was hoping to give something back to the community in which i've resided the last year or so.
I thought what better thing to do than maybe spend my free evenings as kind of a neighborhood watch guy at this place i hang out. So i called up the owner. Every time i tried to contact the guy during the day, i got his answering machine. Short and to the point; "At the beach. Leave a message." Every time i tried to reach him after the sun had gone down, i got a busy signal. Finally, a couple of weeks ago, there were like three straight rainy days, and the doctor got back with me.
He said there was definitely a need for some neighborhood watch stuff, of late. And since he was SOOO busy squiring the newbies around, any volunteers would be greatly welcomed. He said the firm would provide me with a vehicle. A jet/elctric hybrid. In electric mode, it was totally silent operation; i'd be able to move about the neighborhood under a cloak of silence, not being seen until i was right on top of the vermin that were now OVER-populating the place.
In it's jet mode, speeds up to six hundred miles an hour could be reached. This would enable me to get to the "scene of the crime" in an instant. Oh yeah, and it ran on soiled diapers. So while it wasn't exactly "green", it was a shade in the spectrum.
Another interesting feature of the job was that i got to visit the new members before anybody knew they had even joined up. The doctor told me it was the best part of the TOS of the place. New members were only known to the doctor and his employees for their initial, approval stage.
Which means every time a new woman moved in to this place, i got to look at her file, before she even knew she was approved.
Which brings me to the other night; I'm out cruising in stealth mode, got the windows down, Dave Matthews on the box, just making sure the paths and pools and jacquizzi's are free from stalkers and lurkers. It was a nice night, and since the place is pretty wide open, there was the usual group of members enjoying the amenities of the place.
You know what i mean, couples coupling and such. Women kicking around the best ways to tie up a man, so as not to leave marks when he returns home to the little woman. The guy on the bicycle was out selling popsicles, and panty washes. Just a typical slow night.
Accross my infonet communications module came a file of a newbie. 34 yr. old woman, in one of them states that begins and ends in o. Cool essays about shimmering rains, and walks on the wild side. At least that's what i thought it said. Who knew that when you got to be this age, you'd need your reader cheaters all the time? As all seemed good in Utopia, as i like to call our little hamlet, i hit warp drive, and in a flash, i was in her neighborhood.
I checked my reflection, brushed my cowlick aside, checked for kernels of corn stuck between my teeth, and knocked at her door. It was opened by this wild eyed woman wearing a transparent vinyl raincoat. I said "Howdy, ma'am, just wanted to welcome you to our community, and see if there was anything i could do to help you get situated."
She asked me in and said it had already been a rough night, she had had sixteen visitors, all dropping by, unannounced. The doctor got there first, followed by a couple of drones, three guys with no faces, two camera crews, and she couldn't remember how many speaking only russian. They had all stayed only a minute or so, and then fled. She asked if i was finally gonna be "The One"??
"The one, What?", i asked. She said she had joined the place because she had some alternative ways, some special requirements, so to speak. Didn't i read the part about the golden showers? I told her i had misunderstood the "shimmering" aspect of her essays. I thought she liked moonlit walks by the river. Now don't get me wrong; what two people like is up to them, and i'm not passing judgement, I'm just sayin' i'm not into it. As i turned and tried to make my exit, she leaped at me, saying i wasn't gonna get away with this, i was here, and i was gonna piss on her. And I'm like; no way. My mistake, I'm outta here.
She chased me down the drive , ranting about men not reading essays, and ignoring them when they do, but i've heard all that B 4. So when i got to the AMD Mobile, i gave her some of the soiled diapers that i used to fuel the thing, about ten or twenty, and started up. As i slowly pulled away, i saw her rubbing herself all over, even licking and chewing on the diapers. And i detected a faint hum emanating from her lips. I got gone as quickly as possible.
So i just want to apologize, for pissing this woman off, When All She REALLY Wanted, Was 2 B Pissed on. Thanks for your time. 
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| MY APOLOGIES, AMD............ |
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