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How real men deal with pain

posted 8/3/2007 7:30:39 AM |
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1. A cut
You will need to mix equal parts salt, lemon, and Tabasco sauce. Think you know where I am going with this? Think again. Take the mixture with some laxative and wait for the storm. For the next 20-30 minutes, the flesh wound you were previously preoccupied with will mean nothing. Your mind will be on one thing and one thing only: the knowledge of an upcoming really uncomfortable trip to the john…

2. Sinus pain
Stop snorting coke. Ok, ok, maybe your pain is legit;if you say so, in that case you will need a good friend, some gauze, and a wooden stick. Have the friend take a running start and clobber you in the nose with the stick. Then proceed to beat the shit out of him. The adrenaline will replace all thoughts of sinus pain. Afterwards, give your friend the gauze and thank him for such a selfless action.

3. The common cold
Everyone knows that it sucks being down for a few days with a nasty cold. The only way to cure this is to fill your body with as much amphetamine as you can to the ppoint of reaching speed psychosis so you won’t remember anything. Three days later when come down you will have forgotten you even had a cold.After all the main ingredient for this remedy has probably been extracted from hundreds of cold and flu tablets. Your mind will be more on how you got in this alley and where your pants went.

4. Food poisoning
How does a man deal with food poisoning? By going back and eating more of the same. Make another trip to the place that you suspect gave it to you during their lunch rush and order more of whatever you ate last time. Eat it until you chuck and shit all over the place. Revenge always makes a body feel better.

5. A broken leg
Cut your leg off altogether and replace it with a machine gun. Who needs flesh and blood when you have cold hard steel to keep you warm at night. Never again will a plane you are on get taken by terrorists with box cutters. Bonus: When you tell salespeople not to pull your leg, it will take on a whole new meaning.

6. Addiction to heroin
Yes, heroin addiction is a disease. There is only one way to get rid of this disease: something harder. What’s harder than heroin, you ask? Motor oil. Drink it like soup for a week. By Sunday, all thoughts of the big H will have left you. As a matter of fact, you will probably be dead the first morning. If you make it through, you will have reached a whole new level of manliness.

7. A bee sting
The best way to ease the pain of a bee sting is by killing all the little bastards who plotted against you in the first place. As we all know, the only way to kill a colony of bees is with… homemade napalm. Disregard Tyler’s ratio of 2-1 and make it more of an equal mixture. For extra excitement, name the bee colony “Charlie” and scream “For Sparta!” as the little fuckers burn.

8. A gunshot wound
So… you lit a cigarette even though your buddy told you not too and a Nazi sniper got you in the arm. Dumbass. Remember: real men don’t remove bullets. They leave them for keepsakes. Just sodomize the wound shut with a red hot knife. Wait… did I just say sodomize? Indeed I did. Now get to it, soldier!

9. Cancer
Smoke a bunch of cigarettes while standing under some power lines and talking on a cell phone. Little known medical fact: the only way to kill cancer is with more cancer. Some people may tell you this is false. Remember, those people are not doctors.

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Aug 3 @ 9:56AM  
That's some funny shit.

Aug 3 @ 10:46AM  
men are pain wussies!!!

Aug 3 @ 11:50AM  
LOL!! This was great!

Aug 3 @ 12:58PM  
I would bet the Emergency Department at your local hospital is usually busy with a least of few your friends, right?

Funny stuff.

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How real men deal with pain