Real love is expansive, open, and trusting,
not restrictive, withholding and possessive.
It is not based on need but on a desire to give the
person we love the space and encouragement to
be the best he can be; in the process, we become the best we can be.
When we genuinely love someone and feel loved,
we become the best version of ourselves that is
possible and so does our partner.
True love brings out the best in us.
Romantic, needy love brings out the worst.
-- Beverly Engel
Nationally recognized psychotherapist and sex therapist with twenty years’ experience
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TheRainKing
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Jul 24 @ 9:41AM
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With all due respect I don't agree with the Fruedian textbook definition of love. It's partialy right I think but it describes more of what love grows into over time...not what it actualy is. I think the romantic, needy, loopy headed kind of love is what the real thing is. If you don't start with that and let it grow into the other over time, developing the respect and tolerance that the textbook definition describes, you'll never achieve it in the first place.
Love is a much too primal and natural an emotion to start out with to be governed by rational thinking. It is possesive, obsessive, controling, and dominating from both the man and woman's point of view. It's a mutal attraction that won't be denied and can't be tamed. If it's real....it's starts that way....and developes into the "I'm Ok/Your Ok" "Spread Your Wings" kind of phycobabble this doctor is trying to push over time. You can't put the cart before the horse.
The more civilized we think we become....the more we forget who we are and how to live. We are natural creations...Animals that are based on instinct...true love is the epitomy of these instincts....and it's multifaceted. You can't turn it into one thing to define....it's a growing living feeling. I think the divorce rate in spite of all this wonderful therapy speaks for itself. Sorry....didn't mean to rant so long...lol
Peace and Love
DC The Rain King 
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Fckmhrdtnght
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Jul 24 @ 10:20AM
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Length of comment... not a problem...
The problem with Romantic/needy love is that in reality an obsession and over time destroys a person and those around them....
thats what my marriage was based on.......... and what was supposed to last a lifetime blew up at 25 years though it had been practically dead for 10 years.....
If there had been no children, it would have been over a lot, lot sooner.....
Lady J
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Loveyoulongtime2
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Jul 24 @ 12:18PM
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I agree with the psychotherapist. I also agree with some of what RainKing said, but I think he is talking about lust as being real love. Although lust is often what draws people together in the beginning, it's not real love. Real love may develop later, often it does not, and sometimes becomes obsessive, controlling, needy and untrusting.
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Fckmhrdtnght
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Jul 24 @ 12:42PM
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So true.......... 
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TheRainKing
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Jul 24 @ 1:27PM
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No I didn't mean lust at all....That's always a part of love in some way in the begining but it's not what I meant. I think the word I'm looking for to clarify it is the feeling of real love in the begining is "passion" not specificaly lust. And it takes time, trust and experiance to become comfortable enough with a person for it to develop into the kind of perfect way of treating someone like the therapist described. What she was describing isn't natural real love....It's a learned behavior in my opinion that you develop because you love.
And I wouldn't presume to know your marriage problems Lady J....but I think that's what your ex's deal was...romance isn't an obsession in the way your talking about it...it just sounds like he had other things going on that made him disfuntional in that way. Like I said....just my opinion on things. Hope I didn't step on anyone's toes here.
Peace and Love
DC The Rain King
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