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Reality came to life when I said the words out loud

posted 7/20/2007 8:48:20 PM |
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I've been at my daughter's house quite a bit this last week. Thursday my youngest granddaughter fell asleep in the carseat. When we got home I carried her inside but didn't feel like taking her upstairs, so I laid her on the loveseat and sat beside her so she didn't roll off. She just turned two.
A little while later she was tossing so I picked her up, held her in my arms and laid her head against my shoulder and leaned back against the back cushion.I love holding a baby close like this. The way she was laying I could see her little angelic face, and the different expressions she was making while sleeping. I could feel her breath and just see the innocense in her tiny face. She woke for just a second and she curled her little arm around my neck, half smiled at me and went back to sleep. I sat there for over an hour holding her and just being amazed at the trusting innocense and beauty of this child. I've always known it but every time I hold a child and they sleep in my arms, I am reminded of it. There is No greater unconditional love in this world than that of a child.
Today I had a talk with someone special in my life, and for the first time in my life I actually said the words that I'm not ever having any more children. Now, this should not come as a shock, for many reasons. Mostly my age, cause I'm getting really old... lol Too old to be having babies.A great age for grandchildren. But as I said the words it felt final and for some reason I felt empty inside. I have three absolutely beautiful grandchildren and they fill my life with love and happiness. But for some reason today I felt a feeling of something lost, admitting out loud that I would never have another child of my own. And I guess I am just trying to make sense of that feeling.
Isn't it funny how quickly time slips by and we realize one day that so much has changed?

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Jul 20 @ 9:30PM  
I understand. I admitted this week that it probably would be a bad idea to become pregnant at my age. A hard thing to say when you are entering into a marriage with someone who has never had children.

Getting old ain't for sissies!

Jul 20 @ 9:44PM  
For me its easy to say I'm not having any more babies. I doubt that I will ever get into another relationship so that question won't have to be answered. I have known for some time I am the past the age of wanting to start all over, yet if something happen to my daughter (heaven forbid) i would move Heaven and Earth to get custody of my 20 month old granddaughter. Who but that child's grandmother could ever teach her how wonderful her mother is?. But i think sometimes we get to an age and wonder what the hell happened. When did i get to this age? And what else is there really to look forward to. But for to adventure on to a new love, I am excited for you. But the difference is when you get older and fall in love that relationship can be the baby that you seek. You will love it, nurture, and care for it just as if it is a child, and will probably end up a better relationship than we have when we are young.

I'm thrilled for you Treas.

Jul 20 @ 9:49PM  
Lady C, I know how you felt, but I went through it about 13 years ago, after my 3rd and final child was born. Before I got pregnant with her, I actually tried twice to have my tubes tied...the first time it didn't happen because the doctor was called to do an emergency cesarean (for twins!); the 2nd time was because my blood pressure shot up just before the surgeon came in an the were going to put me out. I really wasn't sure that's what I wanted to do; I was making a decision that would affect me for the rest of my life - and I was only 29. Well, the anesthesiologist refused to put me under, I was sent to a cardiologist, and about 6 weeks later I found out I was pregnant. SOOO, sometimes our gut feeling guides us. If you feel apprehension in making such a decision, don't act on it and wait and see what happens. I finally got my little girl - fate, the stars, or whatever made it work that way.

So...she's 13 now, looking more like 16 with that J-Lo bootie and my frontie...and I want to put her back!!!

Jul 20 @ 9:50PM  
Oh, I forgot to say, I had my tubes tied the morning after she was born and have never regretted it or thought twice about it. So, the time was right. Now I have 4 grandsons and I KNOW I could never keep up with another baby full time! Egad they have energy!!!

Jul 20 @ 10:17PM  
Reality... facing reality.. hurts it seems so final..
I've had to face a few realities in my personal life this past week.
And except them...

Jul 20 @ 10:21PM  
Eh hell borrow a bunch of other people's lil angels for about six hours.. you will get over that feeling sooooooooo fast.

Jul 20 @ 10:24PM  
Just for the record, this blog had nothing to do with anyone being in love, getting serious and talking about having babies... It was just a general conversation and how many children we ever wanted was brought up.

Getting old ain't for sissies!
Thank You, PK.....

But for to adventure on to a new love, I am excited for you. But the difference is when you get older and fall in love that relationship can be the baby that you seek. You will love it, nurture, and care for it just as if it is a child, and will probably end up a better relationship than we have when we are young.
Dayna, Whoa. I'm just really talking about actual babies. The ones that you hold in your arms,you feel their breathe, you nurse them and they smell so sweet. Til they spit up at least... lol I miss that and saying never again made me miss it more. For the moment.... Regardless of any relationship. As far as getting older and falling in love, we'll just see where things go on that one. I will agree that when you get older and IF you are lucky enough to fall in love and start a new relationship, it may very well end up being better than when we were young because experience does count and so does knowing who you are and how you honestly feel.
Thank you Sweetie, for being you and caring.

Nomi, yeap girl you need to lock her in a room til she's oh say about 37.... lol
I'm not acting on anything. It's just a fact of age and other factors. Just hearing myself say the words was a little rough. It's that nurturing thing, I think. I can have that with my grandchildren....


Jul 20 @ 10:28PM  
Well hells bells Treas if your talking about real babies find someone who has the most spoiled obnoxious baby, the type that if you had to deal with 5 minutes you would leave on a curb, and spend the day with it If the child is still around when the parents come to collect it, thank your lucky stars and shut the biological clock off. That usually is the best way to get over the baby urge.

Jul 21 @ 12:06AM  
I know it's wierd a guy making a comment on this blog but I understand the way life works and empathize greatly with the "mother" instinct strangely I feel really blessed when I cuddle one of my grandbabies in my arms and feel that unconditional trust and love just flowing from them to me sorry for your emptiness but be glad and rejoice in your grand children for all to quickly they will be to old to want that cuddle and closeness

Jul 21 @ 3:20AM  
I am 48 I had to have a partial hysterectomy when I was 33 as I had precancerous cells in the cervix. I had four sons and didnt really think I would regret the decision as my husband had already had a vasectomy. He did not want anymore children. Well seven years later I was divorced and then married Ed who had never had children of his own.
It hurt me terribly that we couldnt have a child together he said it didnt matter but I think truly he was disappointed. As things turned out it was probably for the best as it looks like this marriage is now headed to divorce court as well.
Husbands come and go but at least we have our children forever.

Jul 21 @ 3:29AM  
That was a wonderful discription of you cradleing the child...and yes it is shocking how fast time goes...just one day at a time...

Jul 21 @ 8:41AM  

Nomi, yeap girl you need to lock her in a room til she's oh say about 37.... lol

Sorry I'm late coming back to comment...I was busy affixing a chain to my daughter's room and cutting out a hole in the door to pass food through. I think this is illegal but it's the only way to ensure that she stays pure for a LONG time!

BTW, I still feel the "itch" sometimes...every time I cuddle a baby, every time I see a pregnant woman, and every time my kids' birthdays come around and I get to reminiscing about their births and childhoods...But, the feeling passes when they ask for money, raid my fridge, or leave a mess behind them. Brats! All of 'em. But I love them to pieces and now I get to enjoy my grandkids without the responsibility. And i can say "I don't do poopy diapers!" and get away with it!!! Oh yeah!

Jul 21 @ 9:36AM  
I've never had a child, I've loved the niece and nephew and other people's children but it is nice to send them home afterwards. Or I've been lucky enough to date men who did have children from a previous marriage. Do I miss not having a child?? sometimes yeah but i'll never admit it out loud!

Jul 21 @ 12:51PM  
sometimes i think about a last hurrah...probably couldnt even get preg at my age...

Jul 24 @ 10:14AM  
I know you wrote that this blog is nothing to do with being in love...... but that's the first thought that popped into my head.

When I got snipped I was in a dying relationship and the thought of never having kids again was a relief.

A few years later, I fell totally in love with a lady and one time as I was holding her, I wondered what it would have been like to have a child with her. sigh.........

Anyway...... my daughter gets married this fall and I"m looking forward to that first grandchild ! ! ! !

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Reality came to life when I said the words out loud