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Taking a crap at work/public restroom

posted 7/20/2007 7:51:05 PM |
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You are at work; you are thinking about activities for the day; stress is building up; you are sweating, worrying about this and that. You are wondering how can things get any worse. Then it happens. You need to take a dump! Hey, taking a dump at work is no laughing matter, and it’s not something to take sitting down.

Unless you are in the minority who doesn’t care about crapping at work or in public, the majority of people will benefit from my analysis on taking a dump at your home-away-from-home. I have some hot opinions on urinals, tips on crapping in the morning, and really great advice on a crap technique that everyone should know about!

Ok before we get moving, I want to break down my opinions/advice/etc. in three different categories: preparation on how not to crap in public, peeing, and crapping in public. So pull up a stool and take a load off while you hear my crappy opinions.

CRAP IN THE MORNING: Ok, you wake up in the morning and it’s time to eat breakfast. I’m not much of an eater in the morning, so I quickly eat a couple of Jimmy Dean sausages and then hit the hay and sleep or rest for another 30 minutes. This gives my stomach time to settle my greasy food. I then take my shower and gentle attempt to fart. Always do it gently! Hopefully a couple of well-placed farts will help me take a dump in the morning. Remember, when it comes to taking a dump at home your fart is your friend. Sometimes it helps to sit down in the tub while you take your shower. Hey, even kick your feet up in the air a few times to help create a good fart campaign to help you take a dump in the morning. The great thing about taking a dump in the morning is that you get it out of the way and it often will help eliminate any worry about taking a crap at work. I also believe it creates a psychological advantage for you in the work place. After a while your body will become use to taking dumps in the morning. Remember when I told you that your fart was your friend? It is. But at work your fart is your foe! Even if you are completely alone outside of the workplace don’t even think about cutting one. All of that will increase your chances of taking a dump in public.

TAKING A PEE: Ok, you are at the workplace and you eventually need to take a pee. Unfortunately there is no bypassing this one. Personally, I would rather go outside and go behind a bush and pee on a rock. Anything is better than going in a room with friends and strangers and pulling out our members to pee at the same time. Hey, are we livestock or something? It just makes me feel like we are all barnyard animals who might as well be peeing in a big troth. Maybe it’s just me, but there’s got to be a better way than this! Hey, has this ever happened to you guys, have you ever gone in the restroom and a friend/co-worker comes up to you and shakes your hand? What the hell is the guy thinking??? Yea, just what I want to happen, have my hand touched with pecker-hand. Thanks man, thanks a lot. Also, what’s the deal with people who want to chat in a restroom? The last thing I want to do is carry on a conversation where people piss and crap. I want to go in there and do my business as quickly as possible. I don’t want to look at anyone and I certainly don’t want them to look at me. That’s why if you have to go pee, I strongly advise you to use a stall, instead of a urinal. Urinals are just too much in the open with no privacy at all. But there’s actually another reason that most guys don’t realize. When you pee in a urinal you are risking pee rebound. Nothing is worse than some of your pee deflecting from the dirty urinal and landing on you! Don’t forget that your pee is hitting a previously peed on urinal and back on you. You could be walking around with a hundred different guys DNA on your pants. No, what you want to do is use a nice stall. Take a piece of toilet paper out and gently lift up the lid of the toilet and then pee. The pee should hit the water and you will be less likely the victim of pee rebound. As for you ladies, I know that many of you pee and crap the same way. You like to place toilet paper squares on the toilet and pee and crap. I’ll be talking more about this in a moment but I just have to say one thing about you ladies and peeing. What the hell is the deal with you ladies always having to have a friend go with you when you go to the restroom?!!! One word describes that ladies, and that word is CREEPY! Let’s pretend that guys acted the way you did. It would be, like, hey, Bob, I need to go take a shit. Want to come with me? Sure, why not! Hey, I got news for you. I don’t want Bob or anyone else anywhere near the restroom when I take a crap and I certainly don’t want anyone else there when they need to. You need to think more about that ladies. Crapping and peeing should be a private thing. Get in the zone by using the restroom alone.

TAKING A CRAP: Ok, your stomach is killing ya and you know you need to take a crap. Personally, in this case, I treat the crap in my stomach like a newborn child. I’m holding onto that baby for dear life!!! Sometimes walking around helps or trying to think of something else to help get it off your mind off it. Unfortunately sometimes you have to crap no matter if you want to or not. If possible, go in the restroom at a time when it is more likely to be empty. Sometimes you have no choice no matter what. In any case try to be inconspicuous and get into a stall as quickly as possible. Preferably one at the far end of the room. Now many people (especially ladies) like to use the toilet paper squares on the toilet routine. Not me. No way am I sticking my ass anywhere where countless strangers have placed their strange sick asses. I’m going to have my ass elevates a few inches above toilet-touching level. Just call me Squanto the squater But here is what I’m going to do first before I crap. I’m going to flush! Yes, you heard me. I’m going to flush the toilet first and then when the water in the toilet is at it’s least amount in the bowl, then I’m going to crap as quickly as possible. Flushing first helps for several reasons: The best part about flushing first is that you won’t have to worry about a splash from the toilet to your ass. Nobody wants strange, dirty toilet water splashing on your ass—especially if it had previously been used by winos. Second, flushing causes a noise to help disguise the sound of your ass farting your crap out. Try to have diarrhea quietly sometime and see how difficult that can be. You have better odds on winning the lottery. Third, the quicker your crap is flushed the less embarrassing crap smell there will be. Now by flushing first, be prepared to flush again after you finished your crap. Don’t be disgusting and leave your crap residue in the bowl for the next poor sap to see. I would rather see an autopsy than someone’s processed dinner.

And there you ha

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Blogs by Doctor_Bone:
Taking a crap at work/public restroom
The art of taking a good dump/Hemorrhoids never again


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Jul 20 @ 8:48PM  
I have a question. What advice do you give to the military personal in the field in Iraq? Or say your are my age and walking in the jungle of Viet Nam?

Jul 20 @ 8:52PM  
Now that's just some sick sh*t

Jul 20 @ 10:16PM  
Nobody wants strange, dirty toilet water splashing on your ass—especially if it had previously been used by winos.

LMFAO!!! That's the only part that gets to me; I can take the Browns to the Super Bowl anywhere, I just don't want someone ELSE'S fecal water splashing up my rectum. What if they just got back from the Amazon and brought some horrible dysentery back to place in my lower intestine? No, Thanks!!

Quite the blog you've got here.

Jul 20 @ 10:45PM  
Is there any particular reason for you to be obsessed with defecation and/or urination whether in private or public?

Jul 21 @ 1:34AM  
Is there any particular reason for you to be obsessed with defecation and/or urination whether in private or public?

The answer might be a little too unnerving to digest.

Jul 21 @ 3:39AM  
Now ...if I can just remember ...the fart is my friend...then life will be much easier...

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Taking a crap at work/public restroom