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Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, the seventh and final book in the Harry Potter series, is scheduled for release on July 21. The book will undoubtedly go on to set various sales records, but will it live up to the hype? Will it satisfactorily cap one of the most popular book series of all time? Or will it disappoint its readers and simply be remembered as a pop-culture trend? The answer to all of those questions is "Who gives a fuck?"
But just in case you're interested in "Potter-mania" (also known as "gayness"), I have a special treat for you. I managed to get my hands on a copy of the last page of "Deathly Hallows." "How did you get this page?" you ask. Well let's just say JK Rowling likes it when I use my tongue to "cast a spell on her muggle." In any case, I would like to share it with you now. You read it here first.
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Having just performed Hermione's third abortion, Harry Potter decided it was time to move on from Hogwarts. It seemed like only yesterday when he first looked upon this new and magical place with wonder and excitement in his eyes. But it had been a long seven years and he had seen too many muggles get raped and tortured for this place to ever feel the same again.
Young Harry, his innocence long ago lost to the fingers and tongue of Professor Snape, set out to enter a new world and leave this place behind him forever. But before he did, he decided to make one last trip through these hallowed halls to double-check the wiring on his bombs and to rub out one last load onto the pale, lifeless face of Ron Weasley.
Now a safe distance away from the campus, Harry was filled with a sense of pride and a smile slowly worked its way across his face. 'This is it,' he thought. Then he pressed the button that left the Hogwarts' grounds covered in nothing but flaming rubble and the charred remains of hundreds of young wizards and witches.
Harry was now ready to move into Voldemort's secluded castle in the hills, where the two of them would live out the remainder of their lives exchanging Rusty Trombones. He slowly made his way down that dark and lonely path that would take him to his destiny. That's when the ghost of Dumbledore appeared, decapitated Harry, and drank the precious blood that would once again give him life. Then a pack of wolves ate him.
The End
P.S. - Thanks for the money, dumbass.
Sincerely,
JK "Lick My Rich Snatch" Rowling
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| Spoiler Alert. Last page from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. |
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