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The art of taking a good dump/Hemorrhoids never again

posted 7/14/2007 4:49:28 AM |
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It's amazing that in today's day and age that few people really know how to take a dump. For example, ask your average constipated individual what they do when they need to take a dump and they will look at you speechless. Interestingly enough, your average constipated individual is also your typical individual with hemorrhoids. Coincidence? I think not. That is why the Good Doctor is here, to teach you how to take a crap.

Step one. Your stomach starts to hurt and you know it’s crap time. What do you do? Take a crap. Obviously not. People who do this tend to go to the bathroom and PUSH! Pushing causes hemorrhoids. That’s the worst thing you can do! NEVER NEVER PUSH! What do you do then? My advice to you is to fart. Keep this in mind folks, your fart is your friend! When you go to the bathroom fart. But fart gently in the dark blue yonder. This naturally pushes your crap down. But no pushing! After several well placed farts your crap will be ready for takeoff. Also turning on the faucet or your electric shaver will put you in the right mood to move. But once you feel the urge to crap keep it inside. The is will help prevent pushing. Besides, why push when your fart can do the work. Let it build up for a few minutes. After you feel a good strong avalanche in your colon crap your heart out! Remember the three golden rules of taking a great crap. Plenty of gas, plenty of stool, and timing.

Ok, now you have taken your crap what next? Well, it’s clean up time in alley four. A dry piece of tissue—or more—to get your dirty ass clean. Now your ass is dry as a bone, are you finished? Only if you want to have a dirty dry ass and hemorrhoids later in life. Your next step is to get a piece of wet tissue and pour cold faucet water over it. Nice and cold. Now stick it to your ass! You might be surprised by how much crap is still on your ass unless you do this. The other reason to do this is that the cold soaked tissue to you ass will subside any swelling. The constant swelling is what causes hemorrhoids. The cold soaked tissue will help your ass and clean it at the same time. Sometimes you will find that the cold water will help you crap more. In other words, you had more turds up your alley than you realized. It’s good to go ahead and get it out rather than have the need to crap again in public. Nothing is worse than crapping in public!

Ok, you used your wet soaked tissues to your ass and now it’s clean as a whistle—though soaking wet. What’s next? Dry time baby. Get another piece of toilet tissue and get that ass dry. Charmin is an excellent tissue.

Sometimes, if you have extra time to spare, a little hand lotion on a piece of tissue to your ass will also help relieve your ass and give it a nice summer fresh smell.

You might say extra steps to clean your ass? Are you serious? Well considering how clean it gets, the anti-hemorrhoid aspect and the overall better fresh feeling you get, it is well worth it. Say what you want but my ass is clean! In fact, my ass is so clean you could eat off it.

That is my Doctor Bone tip to you this week everyone. Remember to drink lots of fluids folks to also help get your system going. Good Day and good crapping.

Have a nice day

The Good Doctor

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Blogs by Doctor_Bone:
Taking a crap at work/public restroom
The art of taking a good dump/Hemorrhoids never again


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Jul 14 @ 5:37AM  
Hey ...thanks Doc....a very infomative and well written blog ....but I must say the subject matter was rather shitty but certainly words to crap by. It's amazing how many people really don't know how to take a proper dump...good blog

Jul 14 @ 7:56AM  
Some people are full of crap.

Jul 14 @ 9:27AM  

Jul 14 @ 10:10AM  

Jul 14 @ 10:45AM  
I have to agree with borty! Good blog!

Jul 14 @ 3:17PM  
How do you feel about baby wipes?? I have the aloe kind with the Care Bears on the box....

Jul 14 @ 4:34PM  
Funny shit.

So to speak.

Jul 15 @ 2:13PM  
We'll just say that it's a good blog on a subject that people don't want to talk about. Very valid. Thumbs up.

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The art of taking a good dump/Hemorrhoids never again