And now, for something not so happy posted 6/26/2007 4:07:39 AM | 7 kudos what's this?     report abuse tagged: lost love, heartbreak, the past

baldbychoice2kx

I decided to open up and give a little glimpse inside the man behind the shades.

I've read blogs about lost loves, found loves and loves yet to be. I think it's time to let the world know about my greatest love.

Please hold off on any judgments until you've read it all. It's not going to sound all that well, until you get to the end and then it...well, read for yourself.

I was in ninth grade and sitting in English/Lit class, which wasn't the most exciting thing in the world to be doing at that age, but I was actually liking it. I think it was mainly due to the teacher.

However, one thing really got attention and it wasn't the classic story we were covering. It was this girl, in the 7th grade, sitting 4 rows to my right and both of us sitting in the front.

Have you ever seen someone and known, deep down inside, that this is someone special? Someone that could take your world, turn it upside down, shake it up and displace everything you know...but you also know you'd give him or her every chance in the world to do so? That was her, in my little world. Little did I know how true that feeling would be.

Being in school and the big thing was to pass notes in class, I of course took part in this time-honored tradition and wrote her a simple little note saying something to the effect of: "Hi, I'm Rick. I think you are very pretty." And, that was about it. I was a man of few words back then.

It seems she thought I was pretty cute myself (OK, one of her very, very few flaws, at least in my eyes lol) so we started talking. Yes, the note passing continued as well but that was a precursor to much, much more. My apologies, I'm getting ahead of myself.

We progressed from talking when we could at school and passing notes to calling each other after we got home. It didn't start out as much, but the frequency of calls steadily grew while the frequency of notes never decreased. In fact, the notes also increased at a much higher pace than the phone calls. However, this turned into letter writing. Yes, actual letters complete with envelope and stamp, mailed through our wonderful USPS, three or four times a week, on average.

At this point, I'm going to go into, essentially, what all this conversing back and forth in it's various forms consisted of. We would talk about the usual stuff, like school, which teachers we liked, which ones we hated and such, but we also took things way further than that. We talked about religion, our relationships with God, what our dreams and aspirations were, about us, ourselves, each other and anything else you could possibly imagine two mature teenagers discussing. Well, except sex. That subject, oddly enough, never came up. I won't say I never thought about it because she was a very attractive girl and we did have quite a bit in common and we never, and I mean never, ran out of things to talk about, but I just didn't feel it was something we needed to talk about. We'll talk more about this later.

As time went by, as I'm sure you've already surmised, we became closer and closer. We both knew each other's most intimate secrets (as much as teenagers can have) and we shared our every thought. Yes, as time went by, thoughts of sex were much less and it didn't take long before they left completely. I respected, cared for and yes, loved her too much for that to continue, so I let them go. I figured if ever the time was right, then so be it. If it never came, then so be it. I was more into her mind and her soul than I ever could be her body, at least at that time.

I'm going to go back to the letter writing because it fits better here than it did before. We continued on with the letter writing but they just kept getting longer. I was writing up to 8 and 9 page letters to her, both sides of the sheets of paper and she was writing back just as much. Our phone conversations did not decrease and actually increased still a little. In fact, one night, we talked on the phone for 9 hours. And still, we didn't run out of things to talk about.

This went on for about 5 years. Yes, 5 years of never running out of things to talk about, never once worrying about sex, never once seeing anyone else, dating anyone else, nothing. You see, we spent this entire time as just friends. We never officially had a relationship other than just friends. Also, during this 5 years, not once did we kiss. No kiss on the cheek, no kiss on the lips, no French kiss, no kiss at all. I couldn't say exactly why, either. I guess the time was just never right. And you know what? Not once did I regret never having kissed her.

There you have it. But wait, there's more...

This was during a very bad time in my life. The summer after her and I started talking, my step-dad died. From an earlier blog, you may remember that he was my Dad, period, and that other guy was just the sperm donor. She helped me through that time in my life. If it wasn't for her, I'd have never made it.

Four years after my dad passed away, I stopped receiving letters from her. For a time, I kept sending them. And I still received none in return. I kept trying to call, but would get no answer at first. Then, I learned that the number had changed. I cannot express how heartbroken I was. To have 5 years of the kind of communication, understanding and love just completely stop...it was like having your heart ripped out, still beating, and thinking that this it, your life is over.

A couple years later, she tracked me down. Luckily, I hadn't moved or she might never have found me. She had joined the Army Reserves. She said she never received those last few letters from me and couldn't respond to what she didn't have. What made it even worse...we had both saved every note, every single letter, that we had ever written each other. When she went away to boot camp, she said she couldn't take them with her and she didn't want to leave them for her mom to find, so she threw them all away. I didn't think your heart could be ripped out twice in a lifetime but I was sure wrong about that one. I wasn't mad or upset or anything with her. I did understand why she did what she did, but it still hurt like hell.

I have not heard from her since. I'm pretty sure she moved on, got married and is living happily ever after. At least, I hope so. She deserves it.

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