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Diary of a Cats Demise

posted 6/21/2007 9:14:11 AM |
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  PrincessKissy

June19, 2007
12:45am: Wake to Thomas the Ignorant screaming. Jump from bed to see what the heck is wrong with him. Nothing. He’s sitting on the landing of the stairs looking stupid, as usual. Scream “Shut up you stupid cat!” Go back to bed.

6:07am Wake to Thomas the Retard screaming. Jump (more slowly this time) from bed to see if anything is actually wrong with him. Nothing. Again, sitting on the landing, with that “I know nothing look” Ok, so it’s not just a look, somedays I wonder how he finds his litter box. Chase him down the stairs where he hides from me by crawling into his owners lap. Swear at both of them and go back to bed.

June 20, 2007
1:18am Wake to Thomas the Obnoxious screaming. Sit up in bed, stroll leisurely out to hallway to find him attempting to rape Princess the Equally Stupid Cat. Grab him by the scruff and fling him down the stairs while screaming at him… “One more fucking time Cat, just one more fucking time! Beat on roommates door and tell him if the cat wakes me again, there’s gonna be hell to pay. Go back to bed.

5:54am Wake to Thomas the Terrible screaming. Slide slowly from bed, go into hallway, enter bathroom and turn on shower. Grab cat and put him under the cascading water. He runs, screaming… for a reason this time… to the basement. Scream at roommate that if he doesn’t get the stupid cat fixed I’m gonna do it with a meat cleaver. Go back to bed.

June 21, 2007
12:16 am. Wake to Thomas the Fucking Bastard Cat from Hell screaming. Chase cat down stairs and corner him. Beat him with the plastic hanger I found on my doorknob upon exiting bedroom at high speed. Throw cat bodily into half bath and slam the door after him. Scream, probably waking the neighbors that if the cat wakes me again, there WILL BE ONE LESS CAT IN THIS HOUSE!!!

6:47am Wake to Thomas the Horny Bastard raping Princess the Pitifully Stupid. Kick both cats. Lock Princess in basement with food, litterbox, water and her kittens. Chase Thomas, but he hides behind the entertainment center where I can’t reach him. I promise him that I will take care of this later, he’d better beware.

8:39am Go downstairs to get a cup of coffee. Spot Thomas looking out back door. Open door. Lure Thomas with a piece of chicken. Lift him up, open screen door and toss his sorry ass, unceremoniously, out the door onto the deck. Amuse myself for a few minutes watching him lick the screen from outside and then plaster his hairy body against the screen door. Tell him he’s not being let back in by me, if his equally stupid owner lets him back in, tomorrow he will be relocated when I have a vehicle at my disposal. Smirk at him and go back upstairs, grinning to self.

It’s a great day to be alive. Yeah, right. Stupidfuckingcat.

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Comments:

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Ewe_Wish

Jun 21 @ 9:22AM  
Oh my god PK, i think i have the brother to that cat.

Throwing the cat out the door, kinda reminded me of Jack Nicholson putting the dog down the garbage shoot in As Good As it Gets, and says This is New York, if you can make it here you can make it anywhere.
Pudge2you

Jun 21 @ 9:25AM  
This made spit up my Coffee!! A classic! PK you are awesome and thanks for sharing...

P.S.

Don't hurt the cat... too much good material in having the cat slowly drive you insane...
max49

Jun 21 @ 9:27AM  
LMAO... Now now Crissy be patient. It could and probably will get worse.
ladybootscooter

Jun 21 @ 9:31AM  
I think I used to have his sister!! After a few weeks of this same behavior she went to live on my uncles horse and border collie farm!!!
veeruinus

Jun 21 @ 10:18AM  
Just imagine what me and R go thru. we have 2 cats and 1 dog to handle.
NachoBaby

Jun 21 @ 10:39AM  
Don't kill me.. that was OMG funny!
PrincessKissy

Jun 21 @ 10:45AM  
June 21, 2007
10:18am

Skip merrily down two flights of stairs to switch laundry loads. Turn into basement and see.... OMG... YOU ARE FUCKING KIDDING ME, RIGHT? It's Thomas, laying on the couch looking content. Race back upstairs and see that someone has not only OPENED the screen door to let Thomas back in, but has LEFT IT OPEN!?!?!?!?!?! Race back downstairs to look for Princess. FUCK... SHE IS GONE!! Check entire house for her... no signs. Contemplate how desperately 4 week old kittens need their mother. Decide that I frankly and honestly don't give a shit. Remark to Thomas in threatening voice that his days are numbered. Leave screen door open a few inches in case Princess decides to return to her babies. Warm up leftovers and stand at kitchen counter eating them. See Princess slink back in through door and realize this just isn't my fucking day. Close back door and begin contemplating. *Theme song from Pinky and the Brain plays in background* Are you thinking what I'm thinking??
Pudge2you

Jun 21 @ 10:48AM  
Yes!! There's just too much Pussy over there!!
Ashinatrix

Jun 21 @ 11:12AM  
Are you thinking what I'm thinking

Dont know........I'm thinking you need better roommates
Argit01

Jun 21 @ 11:16AM  
Flies to the US with a tranquiliser dart gun and a handful of elastic bands. Thinks to himself that stupidfuckingcat is gonna get fixed and just in case so is it's owner!
NachoBaby

Jun 21 @ 11:22AM  
I donno brain... where are we gonna find a midget in tutu at this hour?
Ewe_Wish

Jun 21 @ 11:34AM  
PK i think i found your cats

PKs Cats


PrincessKissy

Jun 21 @ 11:38AM  
If not, they are definately from the same LITTER!!!
bandengor

Jun 21 @ 12:18PM  
Cats: definition... Beautiful furry felines easily possessed by the minions of Satan with the soul purpose of causing harm, distress, annoyance and tribulation to the human race.
Ashinatrix

Jun 21 @ 1:31PM  
I got somethin' fer that fuckin' cat !!!
Argit01

Jun 21 @ 2:52PM  
I got somethin' fer that fuckin' cat !!!
I've got a ceiling fan, Thomas would you like to play??
DickSlippery

Jun 21 @ 4:39PM  
I just get excited anytime the subject of pussy comes up around U. I don't even know what U said, really. Something about somebody being raped in the bathtub, right? Hey - wanna see my cock?

Kisses

DS
Argit01

Jun 21 @ 5:05PM  
I just get excited anytime the subject of pussy comes up around
You really need to buy a dog if pussies make you hard. I didn't know you had an animal fetish. You haven't been hanging out with Straddle lately have you? At least he is only into stuffed toy animals.
DickSlippery

Jun 21 @ 5:55PM  
Now, why the fuck would U want 2 get me started? U know I don't talk about fucking bitches on my own time. There's just no future in it. But if it iz fucking bitches U want 2 talk about...well, I guess that would be ok.

As 4 getting a pet, dixxxbitch tells me that one dog in the house iz more than enough.

When are we going 2 Vegas anyway? We have one hell odf a party 2 throw!

Kisses

DS
Looking4ever

Jun 21 @ 6:08PM  
Sounds like not only should the cats be spayed/neutered, but a couple of room mates could use neutering as well!
LJRite69

Jun 21 @ 7:00PM  
................

Thats mean......but funny.......
CrazyCraveman

Jun 21 @ 9:07PM  
Damn, this brings back horrible memories of when I was married...PK woulda played the part of my wife, and I was that damn cat.




Shit, what the hell am I talking about...I'm still very much like this cat!


bkaw810

Jun 21 @ 9:14PM  
good thing your not serious
kozmik_wave

Jun 21 @ 9:23PM  
damn I love cats!
luckymonkey2

Jun 21 @ 10:25PM  
I love cats......if they're cooked well. Time to break out the Korean cook book.
sundance64

Jun 22 @ 12:10AM  
I'll make a tape of Lincoln screaming at the neighborhood cats...he sounds like a fishwife! You can almost hear the words " GET THE FUCK OFF MY LAND!!...GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE!! GO THE FUCK AWAY!!" and I'll post it on myspace. I bet his screams alone can chase Thomas clear outta that house for ya!

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Diary of a Cats Demise