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Frustration vs. Wanting

posted 6/12/2007 11:29:00 AM |
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I have two friends I've worked with (Joe and Ashley) for about a year now who hooked up with each other. They're both great people and I'm very happy for them, but there's a problem.

Joe came up to me the other day and complained that they're having less and less sex. These two used to have quickies in their cars during smoke breaks, but after a year of dating they're apparently down to once or twice a week with sexless weeks in between. Joe was getting frustrated and thinking of ending it (much to his own chagrin) as talking with her about it didn't solve anything. Curious, I decided to ask Ashley what was up.

What I heard next shocked me to the core and shed a whole new light on every long term relationship I've ever had. According to Ashley it's common knowledge that you have to "keep them wanting" to keep a man interested in the relationship. What shocked me wasn't what she was doing, but how she was doing it.

Ladies, I'm not saying to turn yourself into an on-demand sex toy, but having less sex is NOT HOW TO KEEP A MAN HAPPY! If you want to keep him wanting it then try new things; even if he doesn't like all the new things you try he'll be interested in seeing what you're going to do next. Most of us have ended relationships because of something sex-related, and I'm sure that the well running dry is a fairly regular reason.

It's very easy to become sexually frustrated as a man, and I'd hate to think that some people are confusing frustration for wanting. It gets to the point where you're not even INTERESTED in sex with your partner anymore because you simply don't want to be frustrated. After that it's just a matter of time until something else catches your attention and you start thinking with the wrong head. I've had the pleasure of loving a few women very intensely, but no matter how much I've always found my eye wandering after two weeks without sex (never cheat, though, just end the relationship to chase tail).

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Jun 12 @ 11:48AM  
I think your friend is a little "shallow".

Ashley is looking for more than the quickie smoke sex break to fulfill her end of the relationship. Joe doesn't "get that" so Ashley isn't going to allow him to "get that".

After a year of dating, the relationship should have progress beyond the physical ties that might have inititally bound it. The newness of each others bodies has worn off for Ashley and/or she has more resolve than just to act on her flesh instinct to just, as Howard Jones put it, get a "5-minute thrill". She wants an everlasting love.

I am sure that subconsciously this is a last resort for Ashley. She must care about Joe a lot to even do this and I bet she was appalled when he confronted her about her lack of sexual activity. I would venture it made her feel cheap and nothing more than a pleasure toy. Joe might want to see what Ashley wants (I bet it is emotional, not physical) to further the relationship.

Jun 12 @ 11:54AM  
I dont believe that its common knowledge to keep a man you have to have less sex with him to keep him wanting you. That is such bull. And for her to say that says that all women are as stupid as her. There are some women that do use sex to get a man and than after she has him she doesnt care if she has sex again, hence the saying you will hear men say "They must have put something in the wedding cake" but if a woman truely loves the man she is with and doesnt have a problem having sex, thier sex life should be just as active after they have gotten together as it was when they were just dating. GEEZ some women!!!

Jun 12 @ 9:04PM  
No one should put out just to shut them up.. though we have all done it a time or twenty in our lives.. but again.. no one should use sex as a weapon either.

Joe needs to grow up and realize there IS more to life than his stiff cock. He has a pair of hands that work perfectly well for the times when Ashley isn't putting out.

Nooner is right.. but don't tell him I said so... they need to discuss their relationship and if he wants her to give more physically.. he better be willing to give her whatever it is that she needs from him as well.

Jun 12 @ 11:21PM  
1-2 times per week looks pretty good from here. Seriously, if that's what she considers holding out, then there's really no problem. Her logic for how to maintain a relationship might be, um, tenous, but he's not dealing in reality if he thinks this is low-frequency sexual activity. It happens--a year in, and couples tend to have a depth of interaction that extends beyond intimacy every waking minute. No relationship can sustain the freakfest that defines its early stages.

Jun 13 @ 12:09PM  
First off, shame on you who assume that Joe and Ashley are shallow people. Seriously, these are both very good friends of mine who, while not above average intelligence, certainly aren't dumb or just looking to get laid. They're great people who both want a functional, long term relationship with each-other.

Ashley isn't restricting sex because she WANTS to, she's restricting it because she's been told by OTHER WOMEN that she has to in order to "keep her man." As for 1-2 times per week not being scarce (keep in mind a week or two in between with nothing) the average 10-yr. married couple has sex 3 times per week. Given, that's only an average, but wow. That's more frequent that when I'm only DATING or tail chasing.

We all have needs in a relationship. Call it shallow to "need sex" but how would YOU feel if your needs went unfulfilled. Do you need conversation? Do you need hugs/kisses? Do you need to fall asleep next to your mate? The fact of the matter is that sex has been persecuted for so long that we're taught almost intrinsically that having sex as a relationship requirement is shallow rather than simply knowing oneself.

The fact that Joe/Ashley's conversation about sex frequency didn't really get them anywhere shows just how deep-seated this "less sex = more want" is. Sex drive is a CORE COMPATIBILITY of any faithful couple just as anything else and shouldn't be overlooked. These two are perfect for each other and I'd hate to see them fail because of something as trivial as taking sex advice from anyone except each-other.

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Frustration vs. Wanting