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Maybe, "The Man" Is Right.........

posted 5/27/2007 2:35:03 AM |
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tagged: rant

Perhaps, I am a little too old school in my thoughts. Maybe , I should just sell out and get medicated. Let them fill me full of pills and psych bullshit and pay me SSI.
Everybody is so "socially and politically" correct.........except me. They're all so "dainty" and well-spoken. I'm still crass and irritable. I still say just what comes to mind at the time, with no regret. Love me? Hate me? I could give a fuck less! I'm still fighting with my own perception of myself. So, I have little time to concern myself with other's opinions.
I write merely as an outlet to the demons inside. Perhaps, this isn't the right place to do so. But, it serves my needs as of the moment. Without an outlet, they will consume me in time.
I realize that I'm misunderstood by most. Such is the case in real life as well. Or, since I sold my home and moved at least. My homies found me tolerable and, a few, even put on the pretenses of liking me.
Yes! I'm a bitter mother-fucker! I've been that way as long as I can remember. And, at 40, I don't see much hope of changing my outlook. Not that I haven't tried! I consumed myself with my businesses, pussy, drugs, knowledge........whatever kept the demons quiet for the moment.
I'm running out of options. I only have the effort left for one more diligent try at starting over.........Damn! I hate those words! I've started over repeatedly over the years. And, done well at it! I'm just running out of "Ummph!" as I got older.
I HAD my own business before I moved. I wouldn't say that I was liked, persay. But, I was needed and respected. By moving, I lost that. So, I've now become un-employable due to experience.
The last job I had, I lost this summer as his customers kept coming to me to ask questions, instead of my boss. So, no work this year! The same applies for the roofing job I tried to get recently. I heard that they're way behind schedule. Yet, my phone hasn't rang...........and, I've been waiting for 3 weeks.
This shit is affecting my entire life! I went from having my OWN contracts to not being able to make $10/hour working for others. Of course, the guy I applied with has all of the roofing contracts here tied up. And, he's hanging by a cunt hair at the moment. He knows full well that he has others looking to fill his spot. Me being 1rst on that list.
So, we're living payday to payday. All I need is an extra couple of grand to break the cycle of shit. Nothing major! I'm used to skimming by. I thought this would be MY summer, but it's not looking impressive yet.
You get to a point in life where you know just a lil too much. Then, you get stuck between being an asset and competition. And, that's where I am as of now. They know that I won't be there any longer than to learn their weaknesses and set up my own company to fill the void.
Fact is, it's affecting me sexually, mentally and financially all at the same time. All of those combine to make me the irritable dick I am today. It's not an excuse. It's just reality. A man is only a man as long as he's allowed to BE a man. Take that away.........he's a waste of space.
Just my rant to ease the demons that have been eating at my soul. Not like it's going to change anything but, here's hoping! Nothing ventured, nothing lost!

Oh, by the way, the music to fit this is Nine Inch Nails-Every Day Is Exactly The Same.

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May 27 @ 2:46AM  
This is exactly the right place to express yourself. Each of us has our own individual tolerances for starting over. I for one at 56 am excited to have the chance to start over.I hoe that you get to felling better very soon and that your financial situation gets better. I'm dead broke myself after this last divorce,but I will survive it.

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Maybe, "The Man" Is Right.........