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Insomnia strikes yet again

posted 5/17/2007 4:29:51 AM |
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By now most of you are familiar with my situation. I'm counting down the days until I can get out of my g/f's house and go home, and counting the days until I can end it. For those that don't know, I'm in college, approximately 300 miles from my home, and have no car, so sadly I had to depend on the g/f for transportation, and now that the dorms are closed I am staying at her house until my parents can get a day off to come get me (Sunday).

For the most part I have been relatively happy with my decision because I know that she is insecure and controlling, and I know that things will only get worse if I stay, and that it is better to end it now, because the more I think about it, I really think that she just wants a husband, and because I've stuck around longer than anyone else that it should be me. I know all of this. I am sticking to my decision, but for some reason here in the wee small hours of the morning it is haunting me.

This poor girl has no idea this is coming. She has no idea that in a few days her world is going to come shattering down. She is in there asleep and peaceful and has no clue what I am plotting...and for some reason that makes me feel a horrible person.

For a while now it's been to the point where she irritates me to no end, constantly wanting to talk to me or be near me (virtually every day for 10 months, phone calls every day in the summer (several), and also virtually every day for the 10 months before that), but there is still a part of me that feels like the biggest asshole on the planet every time she cries, and there is the part of me that wants to comfort her. I begin to wonder now if it's not love that I feel for her, but pity? We were walking today (and granted she was stressed out the past couple of days. I don't want anyone to think that she is just absolutely unreasonable) and she got upset and began to cry and just grabbed me and held me and I thought "What the hell am I doing? I can't do this to her..." and for a split second I thought about not doing it....about sticking around because just MAYBE this time will be better.

However this feeling was short lived. We had no more than gotten back to the car when we were at it again and I was again happy with my decision, but now when it's all dark and quiet I begin to question myself. I look around and think "am I ready to leave all this behind and never see her, her family, or "our friends" again?" I know it is for the best, but that sure as hell doesn't make it any easier.

I promise I'll stop writing about all this once it's over and settled and I have something else to think about.


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May 17 @ 8:11AM  
Hey man I can relate except in my case it was an exwife that was driving me crazy. I am originally from Indiana. I was born and raised there until 7 years ago when I moved to Tennessee. We were divorced but she still wouldn't leave me alone. She was at my ass constantly and I knew I had to get away or I was going to go crazy so I bought a farm and moved to Tennessee. I have always loved Tennessee. I came here every chance I could. I had mixed emotions about leaving as well but I finally realized I had to do what was right for me so here I am. It is tough and I had second thoughts several times before making the move. Now that I have I am not the least bit sorry that I did. I love it here. I guess what I am trying to say is you have to do what is right for you no matter how bad it hurts. It sounds like your situation will only get worse and I think you do have some deep feelings for this woman but it also sounds as if your life will be miserable if you stay together so get out while you can. Good luck to you.

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Insomnia strikes yet again