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posted 5/14/2007 7:41:34 PM |
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Just a few words on honesty.......

Sometimes honesty hurts....A LOT.
But that doesn't alleviate the necessity to be honest. Nor our moral obligation to be so. If your wife asks you if she "looks fat in those pants" she will be hurt if you acknowledge that she does.

But that pain is minute compared to how she will feel if she hears herself referred to as "wide load" while dancing.

Honesty is our way of letting others know what we think or feel about something. For that other person it is often the only thing he/she has to follow to make decisions.

If we decide to lie, even a small white lie, to save ourselves being the one who "inflict" the pain, we brutally rob that person from a very important part of choice.
If we are, in addition, someone who is trusted, our betrayal becomes multiplied.

The choice isn't ours to have. It is theirs.
Pretending anything else is a betrayal of the trust they have put in us and we have accepted by answering. Not answering is still an answer.


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May 14 @ 7:45PM  
Very nice. I whole heartedly agree. Kudos to you.

May 14 @ 8:58PM  
I agree...... Good blog

May 14 @ 9:20PM  

May 14 @ 9:30PM  
I could sit and listen to you for hours...and have! Well said Sir...well said.

May 14 @ 9:41PM  
honesty can be tempered with kindness.......... thats the easiest way ..

May 14 @ 10:09PM  
Added a kudo. Wonderfully written blog entry. Bravo!

May 14 @ 10:25PM  
And yet... sometimes you simply MUST lie.

For instance, say you see a crazy BOMBSHELL walking across the street from where you are with your own love. She asks, "do you think she's prettier than me?" You do. Who knows if she's dumb as nails, or an asshole, or a ditz, or the greatest person in the world--it doesn't matter. Objectively, physically, she's hot, and she's objectively, physically hotter than your baby. What do you say? Is it worth getting the snot beaten out of you or a month on the living room couch to be honest just for the sake of it? Probably not.

What if she asks, "Am I the only woman you'll ever love?" The brutally, robotically honest answer that will get the snot beaten out of you and land you a month on the living room couch is: who knows for sure, hopefully we'll stay happily married, but sometimes people drift apart, there could be problems, so never say never! Terrible idea. Sometimes people want to hear what they want to hear, even when they know the question is unfair, or impossible to answer, and even when they anticipate what could fairly be called a lie.

It's all context, of course, and I'm not advocating a policy of lying; rather, it's important to remember that when it comes to certain scenarios, relationships can take only so much honesty. One of my wife's major pet peeves is exactly that--I hate to lie, and I hate it so much, that I'm sometimes honest to an absurd fault. That may sound counterintuitive, but it's real, and so is her aggravation!

May 14 @ 10:40PM  

Honesty without tact can be a blunt instrument indeed.

OTOH when your wife asks the "bombshell prettier than me" question it is an inherently insipid question born in insecurity and fear.
She KNOWS what your honest answer is before asking. And as such is using it as a tool to start a fight or one of control.

And when she asks "Am I the only person you will ever love" it is again a question of demented qualities formed in insecurity and fear, both from a perspective of being able to predict the future as well as an absolute lack of understanding of the human psyche.


P.S. My SO used to ask those questions too..... Until I started doing the same thing every time we would watch a movie with Johnny Depp or Gerard Butler or or or.... I would really dig into it.....Is his teeth nicer? His smile? His charm? Biceps? Hair? Legs? Ass? Eye-color?
She took the hint.

May 14 @ 10:54PM  
I agree that some questions are simply born out of insecurity; however, I might be a contributor to her insecurity, through actions or words or both. If that's the case, then her question would not fairly be dismissed as insipid, and it would be reasonable for her to expect a response that conveys reassurance, even if the content itself appears idiotic. If she feels a sense of uncertainty about the relationship, it's usually not because she has cooked up something in her head that does not comport with reality. She happens to process and express those concerns differently than I would.

Interesting conversation...

May 14 @ 11:00PM  
I suspect that we are about 3 inches (a womans measurements ) away from disagreeing just to hear ourselves talk......

The insecurities has to be addressed through actions and words that take place on a significantly baser plane than when the bombshell walks by.
The safety of your relationship IMNSHO is dictated by the little tidbits and understandings that honesty and openness and TACT creates within the confines of said relationship..

May 14 @ 11:14PM  
lol... yeah, this place doesn't seem too crowded tonight! Their loss...

Anyway, what does it all boil down to? Love's a bitch. Or, as my wife likes to say in a sweeping, cynical dismissal: Life sucks, then you die.

May 14 @ 11:22PM  
well, being a woman, i can comment only from a female perspective....
mind you, these are generalizations...

its funny, because of the nature of the male ego, a man wouldnt ask if his jeans make him look fat, he already thinks he looks great (haha)...women, on the other hand are often more insecure...they want reassurance from their partner that they are desireable...if men listen to the question and understand what a woman really wants to know, i think they can find tactful, yet honest ways of responding...for these jeans make me look fat?...a man could answer brutally and say yes, you look fat and others will call you wide load (truth)..or he could say, honey, i think those jeans look great on you, but i think the levis (whatever) really show off your (select one) legs, hips, ass...(after all he wouldnt be with her if he thought she didnt have good "assets"), thereby reassuring her...or if she says, is she prettier than me? (she has already noticed your eyes and other things bulging)...he could say, yes, she gave me an instant hardon (truth) or a guy might respond, in a gentler, yet truthful way....well, she might be physically attractive , babe...but you are the whole package, looks, brains and heart and thats why i am with YOU...

personally...i avoid such questions

May 14 @ 11:47PM  
My Ex once asked "do these pants make my ass look fat?" To which I said,
"Its not the jeans fault your ass looks fat."

Maybe brush up on that tact stuff huh?

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