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posted 5/12/2007 1:14:56 AM |
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tagged: sad, depressing
  DarkKnightWalking

*Just me showing some "humanity"...it will be long and boring, and most likely make no sense, so dont read it then bitch about how your time was wasted, you have been warned. Blogs were originally started as a sort of diary, and this is one of those. *

Friday night, I have the night off, and tomorrow too...
Deep in the big city, no nearby family, no nearby friends, not knowin where to go out to, nor wanting to go look, the fuckin weather's turned back damned cold again...not much to do cept grab a 12 pack from the handy dandy beer store right around the corner...surf surf...crap to see...chat rooms, blehh...nada nada nada to do...TV sucks as usual...
Then make the mistake and start thinkin about my recent breakup...depression demons pounce on that shit immediately.

Lay a whisper on my pillow
Leave the winter on the ground
I wake up lonely,there's air of silence
In the bedroom and all around

Touch me now, I close my eyes
And dream away...

It must have been love, but it's over now
It must have been good, but I lost it somehow
It must have been love, but it's over now
From the moment we touched till the time had run out

Make believing we're together
That I'm sheltered by your heart
But in and outside I turn to water
Like a teardrop in your palm

And it's a hard winter's day
I dream away...

It must have been love, but it's over now
It was all that I wanted, now I'm living without
It must have been love, but it's over now
It's where the water flows, it's where the wind blows

It must have been love, but it's over now
It must have been good, but I lost it somehow
It must have been love, but it's over now
From the moment we touched till the time had run out

It must have been love, but it's over now
It was all that I wanted, now I'm living without
It must have been love, but it's over now
It's where the water flows, it's where the wind blows

*By Roxette*

I been putting up a brave front both inloine and in RL for weeks now. But I am so weary, so damn weary of it all. Pop another beer, crank up some upbeat tunes, you will be aight, DK...

*more demons roll in to reinforce*

Pondering...what IS my purpose in life? I sure as hell don't know, I have tried a hundred ways to just be "comfortable" financially and with someone who loves me for who I am...and let me Love her in return in all ways...why does it always happen that I meet someone, they seem perfectly in sync with me, then once the "honeymoon" phase is over, they try to change me into something completely different? I am no different than what I present online
( save for the superpowers ) I try to just get along and save my venom for the trolls, both online and RL...open, honest, truthful, a trifle outspoken..stand up for those of a weaker variety and the underdog...work hard, try to take opportunities to get ahead....it all always blows up in my face...


*Pet Shop Boys, "It's a Sin" *

When I look back upon my life
It's always with a sense of shame
I've always been the one to blame
For everything I long to do
No matter when or where or who
Has one thing in common, too

It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a sin
It's a sin
Everything I've ever done
Everything I ever do
Every place I've ever been
Everywhere I'm going to
It's a sin

At school they taught me how to be
So pure in thought and word and deed
They didn't quite succeed
For everything I long to do
No matter when or where or who
Has one thing in common, too

It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a sin
It's a sin
Everything I've ever done
Everything I ever do
Every place I've ever been
Everywhere I'm going to
It's a sin

Father, forgive me, I tried not to do it
Turned over a new leaf, then tore right through it
Whatever you taught me, I didn't believe it
Father, you fought me, 'cause I didn't care
And I still don't understand

So I look back upon my life
Forever with a sense of shame
I've always been the one to blame
For everything I long to do
No matter when or where or who
Has one thing in common, too

It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a sin
It's a sin
Everything I've ever done
Everything I ever do
Every place I've ever been
Everywhere I'm going to - it's a sin
It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a sin
It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a sin

(Confiteor Deo omnipotenti vobis fratres, quia peccavi nimis cogitatione,
verbo, opere et omissione, mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa)
[trans. "I confess to almighty god,
and to you my brothers,
that I have sinned exceedingly
in thought, word, act and omission,
through my fault, through my fault,
through my most grievous fault"]

Ya, PS boys, it does seem that way, sometimes....

Lookit me now...hurled myself 3.5 hrs away from family, seeking yet again a new life and relationship, only to have it crumble before my eyes....yet another game player and someone desiring to change my entire essence...she says I dont dress right, talk right, act right, im wrong, wrong, WRONG in all I am and do and think...nevermind I have been this way my whole life, following a set of creed and philosophies....although they seem far outdated now...

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   read more blogs!

Blogs by DarkKnightWalking:
OK, stop kickin me, Ladies....
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Well Dammit...
Because Ice Cream has no Bones.....
What is a troll....
Troll Killers, Inc. Grand Re-Opening!!!
A day in the Office for a DK....
Inky blackness permeates the night...
Awww...I got me a new admirer....
And now, a message from Troll Killers, Inc.......
My own personal chain letter....
New and Improved Troll Killer Blog.
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A few thoughts about mah weiner..
OK ladies, stop askin me to see my weiner....
Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury....
How to speak Troll...
For the Ladies and their "Wannafuck" admirers....
Upon a remote mountaintop....
Dedicated to ME.....
Hear hear, let all who appear at the gates pay Heed....
A week in the life of a DarkKnight...
Thunder rolls across the plains....
Creating a Frankenstein...
Hmmm, interesting question...


Comments:

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DarkKnightWalking

May 12 @ 1:15AM  
I dont belong here in this time period. Not supposed to practice Honor and Truthfulness and Chivalry nowadays. It's all dead and gone. Truthfulness and kindness only gets one used and abused for their kind heartfulness...anyone that I have called friend in RL, they have all stabbed me in the back and/or betrayed me...I desperately wish for a time machine, that I could go back and be therefore looked upon in a proper view, and back in simpler days...or maybe I should just dig myself a hole in the deepest woods, then cover myself over and sleep until the world changes once more...

So tired...and hurting...this both mentally and physically. My health is not all that good as well, I just choose to ignore the daily pain and worsening conditions that cannot be cured in this day and age. I have a degenerating spine right between my shoulders, which means one day to come I will lose the ability to lift my arms, let alone walk...

Or...perhaps its another of my theories...that I am but a simple cosmic fool at the whim of the powers that be, in which they choose to use me for their amusement and watch me wriggle and squirm for their assorted amusements. "I know, let's hit DK with something else and watch him dance about trying to win a neverending battle in which he cannot win, he will simply expire from the stress and ailments one day. No matter, we shall choose another at that time. Watch im dance, lookit, lookit."

No matter, yet do I try once more, having finished a semester of college this week, and working also, getting a promotion in less than 4 mos to a shift mgr...all with no guarantees that my body will continue tomorrow...since the semester has ended, I have to try to work as much possible OT, so I can get out of this apt, since we were supposed to part as friends, and share expenses with me living in the spare bedroom, only to find she is lying and playing me...and stealing from me...

FUCK, I am so tired of it all....

"Somewhere I Belong" *Linkin Park*

I had nothing to say
and i get lost in the nothingness inside of me
(I was confused)
and I live it all out to find, but im not the only person with these things in mind
(Inside of me)
but all that they can see the words revealed
is the only real thing that i got left to feel
(Nothing to lose)
just stuck hollow and alone
and the fault is my own and the fault is my own

[Chorus]
I wanna heal I wanna feel what i thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain ive felt so long.
erase all the pain til its gone
I wanna heal I wanna feel like im close to something real.
I wanna find something ive wanted all along
somewhere I belong

and I got nothing to say. I cant believe i didnt fall right down on my face
(I was confused)
look at everywhere only to find.
it is not the way I had imagined it all in my mind.
(so what am I)
what do I have but negativity
cuz I cant trust no one by the way everyone is looking at me
(nothing to lose)
nothing to gain i'm hollow and alone
and the fault is my own
and the fault is my own

[chorus]

I will never know myself until I do this on my own
cuz i will never feel anything else until my wounds are healed
I will never be anything til I break away from me
I will break away. i'll find myself today...

Riiiight....

And my now ex...and life itself, one last dedication to you...

"In the End" *Linkin Park*

(It starts with)
One thing... I don’t know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind... I designed this rhyme
To explain in due time
All I know
time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It’s so unreal
Didn’t look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on, but didn’t even know
Wasted it all just to
Watch you go
I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me / will eventually / be a memory / of a time when I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
One thing... I don’t know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind, I designed this rhyme
To remind myself how
I tried so hard
In spite of the way you were mocking me
Acting like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you fought with me
I’m surprised it got so (far)
Things aren’t the way they were before
You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me
In the end
You kept everything inside and even though I tried , it all fell apart
What it meant to me / will eventually / be a memory / of a time when I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
For all this
There’s only one thing you should know
I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
For all this
There’s only one thing you should know
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
DarkKnightWalking

May 12 @ 1:16AM  
It doesn’t even matter...


No, I suppose it doesn't....
canuhelpme258

May 12 @ 1:51AM  
Christ my friend...
I hope it goes without needing vocalization, you have friends in a warmer climate just to the south....
DarkKnightWalking

May 12 @ 2:00AM  
I know, bro....and also know you mean warmer more than just a physical state of environmental phenomenon.....*Huggz*
Am still keepin that in mind.
StraddleMyNose

May 12 @ 2:20AM  
Nice diary...errr blog I mean.
NightOfOld

May 12 @ 3:20AM  

DK I feel your feelings as I too am out of time and place.

I think I belong in times long past for I have naught here same as you.
Broken, discouraged, and forelorn. Oh to be back in the day. But have
friends here as do I, and I am one of them.
The day in which I belong will come no more, not in my life time.

*************************************************************************

A Knight is sworn to Valour

His heart knows only Virtue

His Blade defends the helpless

His Might upholds the weak

His Rath destroys the wicked

His words speak only truth

ponme

May 12 @ 9:55AM  
My good blade carves the casques of men,
My tough lance thrusteth sure,
My strength is as the strength of ten,
Because my heart is pure.
The shattering trumpet shrilleth high,
The hard brands shiver on the steel,
The splinter’d spear-shafts crack and fly,
The horse and rider reel:
They reel, they roll in clanging lists,
And when the tide of combat stands,
Perfume and flowers fall in showers,
That lightly rain from ladies’ hands.


How sweet are looks that ladies bend
On whom their favours fall!
For them I battle till the end,
To save from shame and thrall:
But all my heart is drawn above,
My knees are bow’d in crypt and shrine:
I never felt the kiss of love,
Nor maiden’s hand in mine.
More bounteous aspects on me beam,
Me mightier transports move and thrill;
So keep I fair thro’ faith and prayer
A virgin heart in work and will.


When down the stormy crescent goes,
A light before me swims,
Between dark stems the forest glows,
I hear a noise of hymns:
Then by some secret shrine I ride;
I hear a voice but none are there;
The stalls are void, the doors are wide,
The tapers burning fair.
Fair gleams the snowy altar-cloth,
The silver vessels sparkle clean,
The shrill bell rings, the censer swings,
And solemn chaunts resound between.


Sometimes on lonely mountain-meres
I find a magic bark;
I leap on board: no helmsman steers:
I float till all is dark.
A gentle sound, an awful light!
Three angels bear the holy Grail:
With folded feet, in stoles of white,
On sleeping wings they sail.
Ah, blessed vision! blood of God!
My spirit beats her mortal bars,
As down dark tides the glory slides,
And star-like mingles with the stars.


When on my goodly charger borne
Thro’ dreaming towns I go,
The cock crows ere the Christmas morn,
The streets are dumb with snow.
The tempest crackles on the leads,
And, ringing, springs from brand and mail;
But o’er the dark a glory spreads,
And gilds the driving hail.
I leave the plain, I climb the height;
No branchy thicket shelter yields;
But blessed forms in whistling storms
Fly o’er waste fens and windy fields.


A maiden knight–to me is given
Such hope, I know not fear;
I yearn to breathe the airs of heaven
That often meet me here.
I muse on joy that will not cease,
Pure spaces clothed in living beams,
Pure lilies of eternal peace,
Whose odours haunt my dreams;
And, stricken by an angel’s hand,
This mortal armour that I wear,
This weight and size, this heart and eyes,
Are touch’d, are turn’d to finest air.


The clouds are broken in the sky,
And thro’ the mountain-walls
A rolling organ-harmony
Swells up, and shakes and falls.
Then move the trees, the copses nod,
Wings flutter, voices hover clear:
‘O just and faithful knight of God!
Ride on! the prize is near.’
So pass I hostel, hall, and grange;
By bridge and ford, by park and pale,
All-arm’d I ride, whate’er betide,
Until I find the holy Grail.
ponme

May 12 @ 9:58AM  
Alfred, Lord Tennyson

And so we see dear Knight of Olde.. its a rough old road you have chosen. Pull the runes and cast yourself a new fate. Don't take this lying down. Not all Knights have to suffer the slings and arrows. You can choose anew.

You know there are those of us who care for you.. would welcome you with open arms and open hearts. I know that at the moment, you don't feel like you will ever be welcome anywhere. but you are. You are.
Daized688

May 12 @ 11:11AM  
*HUGS* DKW!!

I know where you are in life.........been there!
DarkKnightWalking

May 12 @ 11:48AM  
My deepest thanks to all....
Tis your support which does indeed keep these old bones moving anew...
ladybootscooter

May 12 @ 11:56AM  
I think most of us here have been in your place at least once, some of us more times than we care to count. While it seems hopeless and you may wonder why you go on at all.....you do. Coming out the other side into a bright light you will someday let the memories of this time slide away to the back of your mind. I do believe there is a love and happiness for each of us, sometimes it just takes longer to find it.
Giggl_Sprite

May 12 @ 12:21PM  
in this proud land we grew up strong
we were wanted all along
I was taught to fight, taught to win
I never thought I could fail

no fight left or so it seems
I am a man whose dreams have all deserted
I've changed my face, I've changed my name
but no one wants you when you lose

don't give up
'cos you have friends
don't give up
you're not beaten yet
don't give up
I know you can make it good

though I saw it all around
never thought that I could be affected
thought that we'd be last to go
it is so strange the way things turn

drove the night toward my home
the place where I was born, on the lakeside
as daylight broke, I saw the earth
the trees had burned down to the ground

don't give up
you still have us
don't give up
we don't need much of anything
don't give up
'cause somewhere there's a place
where we belong

rest your head
you worry too much
it's going to be alright
when times get rough
you can fall back on us
don't give up
please don't give up

'got to walk out of here
I can't take anymore
going to stand on that bridge
keep my eyes down below
whatever may come
and whatever may go
bad rivers flowing
bad rivers flowing

moved on to another town
tried hard to settle down
for every job, so many men
so many men no-one needs

don't give up
'cause you have friends
don't give up
you're not the only one
don't give up
no reason to be ashamed
don't give up
you still have us
don't give up now
we're proud of who you are
don't give up
you know it's never been easy
don't give up
'cause I believe there's a place
there's a place where we belong
--Peter Gabriel & Kate Bush

Don't go changing, to try and please me
You never let me down before
Don't imagine you're too familiar
And I don't see you anymore
I wouldn't leave you in times of trouble
We never could have come this far
I took the good times, I'll take the bad times
I'll take you just the way you are

Don't go trying some new fashion
Don't change the color of your hair
You always have my unspoken passion
Although I might not seem to care

I don't want clever conversation
I never want to work that hard
I just want someone that I can talk to
I want you just the way you are.

I need to know that you will always be
The same old someone that I knew
What will it take 'till you believe in me
The way that I believe in you.

I said I love you, and that's forever
And this I promise from the heart
I could not love you any better
I love you just the way you are.
--Billy Joel

Love You DK
Dani
Lisa46

May 12 @ 12:25PM  
As stated above me yes been there also and truth be told it really sucks! kisses to you my friend!
DarkKnightWalking

May 12 @ 1:04PM  
Thank you Giggl...I had forgotten that Billy Joel song, I just had to pull it out of my PC and play it Will have to find the other one.
Much Love to you and Dom.

And thank you as well, Lisa...I know we all been there, just sometimes it all falls down upon our heads, so we must dig ourselves back out anew....
Kisses back
BlueEyes708

Mar 8 @ 5:43AM  
Now I know why you didn't respond to one of my blogs. Sorry if it hurt too much
gwenafar

Mar 8 @ 8:21AM  
Rod,
Since you and I have started talking, I have been giddy with anticipation of getting to know you better.....we share sweet romantic messages which I look forward to every day I have seen in you a true gentleman, a sweet soul, an intelligent and thoughtful person. We all struggle in life...we have our ups and downs......I have hit rock bottom only to rise back up again....I have felt my life crumble around me at times...but looked deep inside myself and found the strength to get past what brought me down so low. Sometimes the pain can be so unbearable...you think you can't go on. I have been there also.
I want you to know that I care about you alot. I know it may not help that much, but sometimes it feels better to know that there are people who care. And I do...very very much.

xoxoxox
Laurie

P.S. By the way, I think I told you I always felt that I should have been born long ago...always felt a little "out of place"....dreams of simpler times...when chivalry was common....that dream I told you about...you and me It's a very nice dream....

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