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I Hate The Darkness...

posted 5/2/2007 10:54:40 PM |
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tagged: men, relationships, illness, sickness

Ok firstly yes I am bipolar, yes I am on meds, obviously I need to go back in and once again have them adjusted cause I am shutting down. I am just so tired of having to go back in and see a fuckin psychiatrist. It makes me feel stupid and unworthy. Ask Phil he'll tell you you only have to see one if your psychologically fucked up and stupid :'( As for the pain I have been having buscopan seems to be helping with that but makes me even more tired than I already am. The xrays as I said showed that my bowels on the right side are very backed up and I may have irritable bowel syndrome which my mom and possible middle daughter has :'( Today was my ultrasound once again they found something. I had a hysterectomy due to endometriosis and today they found on my ovaries my eggs apparently are not flushing out but attaching to my ovaries which somehow grow? Make like sores and a couple are about half the size of my ovaries. My guess is the dr may choose to now take out my ovaries and that is upsetting cause all I need is menopause added to my already emotioal being. I really thought my ovaries would be fine and dandy. I now apparently will also be having a CT scan just to make sure nothing else is going on. I feel like my brother is right I am gonna end up in the hospital hooked up to machines barely living. I am barely living now. I barely get out of bed right now. I am exhausted and emotional and hurting. I am tired of being yelled at and now Doug well he just put the last knife in my heart.
I was coming home today and what did I see oh yeah broadcasted on a sign for the whole world to see, thanks Doug thanks for that true scorpio revenge you had to do because I chose Phil not you. what 2nd time now I chose Phil and so we can't even be friends? I wanted to talk to someone today usually I talk to Doug because he's always been there but now he is not talking to me out of spite. I want to be angry and spite him back but I can't, it hurts. I know I love Doug and Doug loves me but it just doesn't seem to be. we're both in relationships and I want him to be happy. I stuck with him through Kath, through Michelle, through a few women which he says he didn't consider cheating yeah we have been on and off almost 10yrs now? Always kept best of friends. Just seemed to always miss one another with relationships, one of us always seems to be with someone when the other is not. But we have always known and saidf we loved one another. But when it came down to being with him or Phil I stayed with Phil. I know that hurt, but it hurt me when he stayed with Kath over me so long ago. Not to mention my tat is a permanent mark of my devotion to him even when not together. So yeah his little vengeence trip right now that hurts, I miss my best friend.
Phil came home from work today with flowers, carnations red, yellow and white. No card though. He was really moody though and went out right away. Not sure where and the mood he was in I could careless. He was more concerned that another of his transformer toys didn't get here today.
I need to make friends. I used to go out alot now I never leave my room. My brother says I am turning into a shutin. No one in my entire life ever would have considered my life to turn this way. I didn't like being yelled at in front of my friends so eventually I just got together with people less and less, and now never and so when I feel like I feel right now I look at my phone and I have no one to call. All the numbers are Phil's friends and he has tons.
I was thinking alot today about ontario. God how I miss it there. I have never ever liked it in BC. It doesn't feel like home, only reason I stayed here is for the kids all their family is here. Phil refuses to go to ontario. IF I had the money and means I think I would seriously consider moving home to ontario. That's home, that's where I miss. My middle daughter has been there she loved it. I don't know, I am supposed to go visit next summer and see Barb in New York which is one thing the only positive thing I hold on to right now. And my middle daughter seeing her this summer. I miss her so much. I just worry about her and Phil, they so do not get along :'( Anyhow I have thought what if I go to ontario next summer and don't want to come back? I really wish I could just say hey I have the money and means I am off to ontario. Clean slate, new life. Happiness, but life doesn't work that way does it? I hate life, it keeps ya down....

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May 2 @ 11:59PM  
Not knowing you,but often seeing your blogs I have decided to post a comment against my better judgement. My coment is in reference to the last line of your blog.I used to feel the same way about hating life, untill I realized that what I hated were the circumstances in my life. Then I came to the realization that I was mostly to blame for that. I did not want to live that way anymore and I can honestly say that through all the trials and tribulation in my life and there have been alot lately,that I love life, and look forward to another day. Some days are of course harder than others,but I will not give up; I will not become again that bitter person that I used to be. I hope that you somehow find some measure of comfort in your life.

May 3 @ 1:04AM  
Talk about flight of ideas!!!!! WHEW! I am worn out trying to keep up with Doug and Phil and Kathy and all the rest! Maybe a few days in the hospital for a quick tune-up is a good idea! If it was something wrong with your car, you'd certainly take it in and have it fixed! Good luck to you!

May 3 @ 2:52AM  
Life may try to knock you down but you have to keep fighting back, anytime I've been in bad situations ive always told myself that it can always get worse, always....

May 3 @ 6:36AM  
I hope you do see the psychiatrist...and please don't listen to that 'man' in your life. I don't know all the details as to why you would stay with this person, but like I said before...if he's not part of the solution, he's part of the problem. You know what it's like to feel good...right? Hold on to that. Do things for yourself that make you feel good...even if you can't get yourself out of the house. Take a bath, put on a little make-up...get dressed. Then go back to bed if you have to, but take a good book with you. I don't know...whatever makes you feel good. Those are things I would do in this type of situation...give yourself permission to feel bad...then tell yourself that you want to feel good again. Don't rely on someone else to make you feel good...make it happen for yourself.
Just keep in mind, as I said before, This too shall pass. Maybe not today, or next week, but it will pass.

May 3 @ 7:05AM  
I can some what understand how you feel. I am not bi-polar however I due have serious depressive episodes and for the last 2 1/2 years have been in a daily day treatment program. The idea of seeing my doctor and therpist ever day I can't stand sometimes, but on those days that things go bad I am glad they are there.

It appears to me that you may be depressed, you are isolating you probly do not answer the phone too. For me when the phone rings I get this knot in my gut and fear. I still find it very hard to answer the phone.

You are not and I can't say this forcefully enough fucked up, stupid, or unworthy those thoughts are distortions you are feeding yourself. I have read your blogs I see nothing in them that proves you are stupid, you may do stupid things (we all do) but that does not mean you are stupid only human. Also every person on this earth has something that they have to live with, be it a child who past away or being bi-polar. Your problem is singular only to you but your problem is shared by millions, you are not alone even if you feel you are.

If you want I will be here for you if you need someont to talk to as I said before I have been there I know how appealing that darkness is.

May 4 @ 5:57PM  
My ex girlfriend Kate is bipolar but won't admit to it or seek help. I had no clue during the four and a half years we were together that she was bipolar though I knew she had mental health issues. What saddens me the most is that when she was well she was very loving and giving but when she was depressed I was made out to be the bad guy.
I tried my best to love her even when she was angry at me for no reason, she once told me that I was a very tolerant and patient person but she destroyed me.
To be honest I don't believe that even had I have realised Kate was bipolar it would have made any difference. I only hope in time she can find the inner peace she has been searching for so long. As to my situation, I have Crissy and I only hope she realises that I am in this relationship for the long term as I doubt I will ever find a more intelligent, caring and witty human being who loves me not for what I can give her in material ways but how much of my heart and love I can share.

May 4 @ 11:00PM  
Slow down -- menopause should not be an issue after a hysterectomy -- right? Did you know you digestive tract/system has more nerve ending than the brains of some lowere functioning species of animals -- this means it is your second brain -- the most incredible and sophisticated chemical plant in nature and it is so sensitive to your emotions dear.

Perhaps menopause will be a stabilizing force in your emotional well-being -- i dont know. Just, please, stop, take a step back and take a long deep breathe baby --- you have a good life in front of you and a better one beyond.

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I Hate The Darkness...