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Life Is Hell, Why Live It?

posted 5/1/2007 8:39:54 PM |
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tagged: men, relationships, sickness
  LadyIllusions

I had xrays done, blood work and urine samples oh how fun. Turns out my stools on the right side are hugely backed up but all clear on the left side. So she wasn't sure but thinks I could have irritable bowel syndrome, oh lucky me. But we still have to see with ultra sound and ct scan. They shot me up with toridal and gave me a high dose of ativan and sent me home with a prescription for buscopan and we shall see how that all works out for now. So that's the story for now...

I hate having emotions. I am hurting and scared and angry more than I am my old bubbly happy social self. I hate this darkness and I want to stop feeling. I just want the world to go away, how do I make that happen? I am tired of the darkness and spontaneous tears. It takes all I have just to sit up in bed right now...
Everyone seems to find a reason for getting up everyday, how do you do that? I seem to have lost my way. Phil told me today apparently most of his family dislikes me or hates me now partially because of that video I uploaded online. I wish I could apologize but I'm not sorry. I am so tired of feeling like no one understands what I go through and even with the video still it got turned around, this is why I hate life. I hate everything. I wish to cease to exist. Obviously I am unworthy in life and in love. *tears* I guess I deserve afterall to be yelled at and called down so here I am world kick me till I am dead...

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Blogs by LadyIllusions:
Miss USA, Miss University, Inspiration to Children, Dr.Phil
Too much info, insides blown
Friendships, Changes, and Medical...
Too Close To Home...
I Hate The Darkness...
Life Is Hell, Why Live It?
My Thoughts on Virginia Tech/ Politics of Plenty Of Fish & Angus
Thanks Guys & Gals
Dying???
It Is That Bad


Comments:

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maggiemae1969

May 1 @ 8:49PM  
I am sorry you are hurting ......
Cple4bigafem

May 1 @ 8:58PM  
Aww I hope u get well soon and I know u can over come this bullshit that is happening to u!! Dont give up people love u and wish u well! Good luck hun!
GryGoast

May 1 @ 9:04PM  

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful, then the risk it took to blossom" ... Anais Kim



Godspeed

Master Gry
whitefire46

May 1 @ 9:04PM  
I hope you feel better and that everything works out, It takes a while to find a reason to wake up in the morning and most of us are in the same boat as you
HER_NIGHTMARE

May 1 @ 9:32PM  
I've never been good at saying comforting things...
Slug if out for a bit though aye.
sundance64

May 1 @ 9:35PM  
You need help hun...professional help. I don't mean that to be insulting or rude.

You sound like you are suffering from major depression...mental, emotional and physical. Depression affects people physically and causes physical symptoms like the ones you're having. As well, physical pain causes mental and emotional depression.
Seek help...immediately. Call a hot-line, or find a web-site that can point you in the right direction.
Don't listen to Phil or his family...if they aren't part of the solution they're part of the problem.
And please...don't consider any permanent solutions to what are after all only temporary problems. This too shall pass.

If you need assistance finding help...let me know.
HRRRICKANE

May 1 @ 10:07PM  
I wish you good luck and a speedy get better....
Xanadath

May 1 @ 10:24PM  
It is hard, very hard, and the pain comes and goes in waves... I know my saying anything doesn't help much or mean anything for you... but I read your blog and thought I'd say "I think I understand"... from my own set of pain and issues, anyway. I hope things turn around for you.
JJN4Fun

May 1 @ 11:19PM  
Hon, Sunny's right - I really think you would benefit from seeing a professional. Certainly, you are not alone and while I know how hard it is to see that there is hope and things can get better, there is hope and things can get better!

Here is something I found with some resources (based on the location listed on your profile). Not sure how good it is, but I figure it's a place to start. I hope you'll give someone a call!
CMHA

We care!!!
tetons

May 1 @ 11:32PM  
you're getting some good advice, here, especially from sundance. i noticed on the other site, the same thing. the treatments you're going through are magnifying your perceptions and pain. and it can't be easy. call someone, a hotline, a close friend. put the boot, or at least some distance, to this guy phil, maybe.
Good_lil_feller

May 2 @ 1:01AM  
I agree with sunny and JJ, get some help. There is no need to be ashamed in getting help. There was a point in my life that I was on some medication that really screwed with my brain. I wasted no time in getting help, and by doing so, found ways to deal with it. Turns out it was the medication I was on that was giving me problems. But I wouldn’t have known that if I didn’t seek help. So please, for us, seek help
mokeyboober

May 2 @ 2:49AM  
Hon, i know what your going thru i myself have never been healthy since i was a child i had about 50 operations in my life and will have more to come i am now on hemodialysis and been on it for 10 years. There are days when you will feel good and then there are days when you wont want to get out of bed and wonder why me, but you have to look past the pain and know that it will get better ...life is what you make it. I sit and think of the all the reasons i have to be here on earth my friends my family they need me and i need them. Strength comes from unexpected places you will find yours keep searching dont give up.
fortunedion

May 4 @ 10:52PM  
Life is not hell but life in this world is most certainly hell. Stop bashing yourself and start looking again like you know you should and you know you can!!!!

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Life Is Hell, Why Live It?