I had to share this, and practically busted a gut laughing so hard over.
Bikini Waxing AKA Hair Removal
All methods have tricked us with their promises of easy, painless
- The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.
My night began as any other normal weekday night. Come home fix
played with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully
mind for the next few hours: Maybe I should pull the wax out of the
So I headed to the site of my demise; the bathroom. It was one of
cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips
together in your hand and then
they get warm and you peel them apart press it to your leg (or wherever
else) and hair comes right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I
I'm no girly, girl but I am mechanically inclined enough I can figure
out. YA THINK!!!???????
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each
stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, I get out the hair
and heat it to 1000 degrees. Cold wax my as$ (Oh how this phrase haunts
I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and
OK so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!
removal no longer eludes me! I am Sheera, fighter of all wayward body
and smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids I
back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I
my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the
same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of bikini
covering the right half of my coochie and stretching down to the inside
my as$ cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....Vision returning, I
I've only managed to pull off half of the strip. $HIT!!! Another deep
and RRIIPP. Everything is swirly and spotted. Do I hear crashing
OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - my wax covered
has caused me so much pain. I want to revel in the glory that is my
over body hair. I hold up the strip but there is no hair on
it. Where is the wax???
Slowly I eased my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see
hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching
I peel my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body that
covered in cold wax and matted hair and then make the next big mistake.
Remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet.
I know I need to move to do something. So I put my foot down and then I
the slamming of the cell door. Coochie? Sealed shut.
Ass?? Sealed shut.
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do
think to myself, "I hope I don't get the urge to $hit. My head may pop
Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can
the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off right???
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used
torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now
only thing worse than having your business glued together is having
glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub in scalding hot
water; which by the way doesn't melt the cold wax. So now I'm stuck to
bottom of the
I call my friend thinking surely she's waxed before and has some
of how to get me undone. Its a very good conversation starter. "So, my
and cooch are stuck to the bottom of the tub!"
She doesn't have a secret trick but does try to hide the
me. She wants to know exactly where is the wax on the as$. "Are we
cheeks or hole or what?" She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear
I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the
the box .YEAH Right!! I could be the joke of some one else's night.
While we go through various solutions. I result in scraping
off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have
your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in
super hot water and then dry shaving the sticky wax off!!
I then find the most beautiful saving grace.... that is
they give you to remove the excess wax. I rub some and scream "IT
works!! I get a hearty congratulations from my friend and she hangs up.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my
dismay...The hair is still there...all of it. So I shaved the $hit
Hell, I'm numb at this point. Then I put the wax back in the
cabinet, I may have a mustache that needs work someday...
Next week I'm going to try hair
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Apr 29 @ 4:22PM
i had an experience when i decided to try hot wax, not on my "bikini line" but right
on my labia...one RIP and YIKES!!!!!!! WTFdid i put that there???????? how the hell can i get it off??????? that skin is so sentive, it was excruciating!!!!! needless to say, i now stick to shave creme and razor...
Apr 29 @ 4:42PM
OMGosh, this sounds worse than child birth. But it was hilarious to read. I asked for someone to blog a really funny joke today.....you did just that. lol Ironicly someone just ask me about hot wax the other day, I think I'll email her this..
Apr 29 @ 4:48PM
....I'll stick with a professional doing it. I can see this happening if I did it myself.
Apr 29 @ 4:56PM
Oh My GOD! That was too excrutiatingly funny. I am sorry about your painful experimantation, but thanks so much for the hilarious anaecdote! Next time ask your partner to help, he or she would post likely love the turn on of helping you do it painlessly. Stay safe and stay unstuck! Always,
Apr 29 @ 4:59PM
I must clarify that it is not actually me doing this, I know it would be to painful to even try. And i'm a huge wuss.
Apr 29 @ 6:53PM
i have never used wax..nor will ever after reading this. I'll stick to the razor. But very funny..thanks for the laugh
Apr 30 @ 1:05AM
The torture we women endure just to try to look good.