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posted 4/21/2007 4:41:01 PM |
1 kudogive kudos what's this?
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tagged: communication, boyfriend, fighting, anger

I have been seeing my current lover for exactly two months. Things have been good- in fact, it's been the easiest relationship I've ever had. Sure, I've gotten ticked at him a couple of times before today. Both times were regarding his inability to call me to cancel plans when something came up. But each time we'd discussed it, and neither turned into a major incident.
Until today.
We have tickets to see the Cincinnati Reds play the Philadelphia Phillies tonite at 7:10 p.m. My boyfriend lost a loved this past week, and he's been doing the family thing plus work all week (he travels a lot anyway) and I haven't seen him since last Saturday.
He called me yesterday and we discussed what today's plan would be. He's up in Cleveland, Ohio (he has a second home there) and he planned to come down here around 5:00 p.m. I have pork chops to throw on the grill, so the plan was to eat and then leave for the ball game.
It just so happened that I had to call him around 11:00 a.m. this morning to tell him something. At that time he sounded really in a hurry and was kind of short with me. He said, "I have one more errand to run before I leave for down there." I hung up the phone, thinking he sounded a bit strange, but went on about my errands.
Around 3:00 I decide to run the sweeper because my carpets looked like crap! And while I was running the sweeper my cell must have rung, because at 3:30, I noticed I had a voicemail.
I listened to the voicemail. It was from my boyfriend. I'm going to state the exact verbage, in order to enlist your help understand where I misunderstood the message.
"Hi. It's me. That last errand I ran was to get a part I need to change out on my motorcycle, which I was planning on riding down there today because the weather is so nice. I started installing the part, and things went bad. I got stripped screws and it's not going well. I don't know if I'll make it down there or not. If I left now I would probably get there in time to make the game. Anyway, I'm just not in the mood to be around people right now. Give me a call."
After hearing his message, I didn't call him back right away. I shelled out $$ for the baseball tickets, so I'm thinking we better find someone else to use the extra ticket so I'm not out the money. My son has a buddy from school that he wants to call, so we do. Make contact and arrange for the buddy to use the ticket to the game. Problem solved, no wasted money.
Truth be told, I'm a bit pissed off that my boyfriend waited so late to call and tell me he wasn't coming. But I know he's had a rough week this past week, so I'm trying to keep that perspective on the situation.
As I'm returning my address book (we wrote down the friend's phone number for future use) to my purse, my cell rings. It's my boyfriend. I tell him I'm sorry his day was going crappy and not to worry about not making it down because one of Sam's friends is going to use the ticket. My boyfriend says, "The ticket to the game tonite?" and I realize it sounds like he's in the car. I say, "Yes, the ticket to tonite's game. I thought you weren't coming because of the crap with the motorcycle."
My boyfriend then starts repeating the voicemail he left for me, "I said I MIGHT not make it down tonite.", using a tone with me he's never used before. This tone is a tone he uses when he's pissed at his co-workers or his brother for not doing what he told them to do. The tone you use with IDIOTS.
I said, "Honey, I didn't think you were coming down. At least that's the way I interpreted your voicemail."
He says, "I said I might not be down. But then I decided to hell with the motorcycle and I just got in the car and started down. I tried to call you but got your voicemail." And now I can tell he's pissed at me. And I'm standing there dumbstruck, stuck between a rock and a hard place. Do I call my kid's friend back and tell him he can't use the ticket?
I said to my boyfriend, "How far have you come? Please don't tell me like two hours in the car!" His reply? "Far enough! Never mind. I can turn around. Don't worry about it." I'm trying to apologize for misunderstanding, but part way thru the conversation I'm thinking, "Why are you apologizing? You aren't the one that said you might not make it and aren't in the mood to be around people!"
But because I'm a nice person (meaning a DOORMAT for others), I still apologize and tell him how sorry I am.
He says, "I'll just turn around and go back. I'll talk to you later."
And I can tell he's pissed, and that I'll probably not hear from him again. And I'm upset, but can't show how upset I am because my son will think it's his fault that my boyfriend and I are mad at each other (my son is only 11).
DID I misunderstand the message my boyfriend left for me? Has anyone else been in this kind of situation? Will it blow over?
Because right now, I'm pissed off and am not going to apologize to my boyfriend again. I don't think I have to. I'm not the one with the communication problem!
Anyway, I'm pretty upset and would like to hear some other opinions on this.

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Apr 21 @ 5:02PM  
you acted quickly and efficiently. except for where you didn't contact BF before giving ticket away. but still not your fault. a miscommunication. not a deal breaker, unless you both draw lines in the sand, and make it one. time for a little makeup and understanding. methinks.

Apr 21 @ 5:09PM  

It seems to me he is very inconsiderate, and self centered.
Thinking only of his self. I would have to re evaluate where
your relationship is headed.

Apr 21 @ 5:17PM  
What he might have done is left you a v/m to call him immediately, instead of leaving a long message....then there would have been no misunderstanding. Regardless, his tone of voice might be a real "red flag" for you. Go to the game with your kid and his friend and have a wonderful time. I think soon that 'red flag' is gonna show it's full face to you and I hope that you think about your son #1. Do you want him yelled at like that for any reason? Ever? That is abusive behavior and you felt it full force over a miscommunication on HIS part....he'll talk to your son the same way his is talking to you before long. You are not mistaken or crazy and NOT a doormat! The best of luck to you!

Apr 21 @ 7:07PM  
I dont think you did anything wrong at all. But can I please caution you to take time before making any decisions regarding him.
As you stated he has had a very bad week, then he had the issues with the motorbike, sure his voicemail sound like he wasnt coming but if he left it right after the frustration with the bike he may have sat down and realised even if he didnt feel like 'people' he did feel like you so he made the effort and got into the car. He did say he tried to call and let you know so I am thinking when he finally got you and found out you made other plans he felt even more frustrated and maybe even hurt.
Every good guy deserves at least one chance. Give him time to reflect on what happened and see if he calls you to work it through. If he does be openminded. Frustration, stress and disappointment can affect the best of us sometimes.

Apr 21 @ 7:09PM  
i guess once he said that he didnt feel like being around people i would have assumed the same thing that he wasnt coming down. I wouldnt have called him back either just my two cents .

Apr 21 @ 7:40PM  
seems that there is poor communication all around. I do agree with, that with the message that he was not in the mood to be around people, that he did not want to go to the game. You should have called him to find out if he wanted you to et rid of the ticket. Even when you did not, you could have called him to let him know that you found someone for the ticket. From the other side, he should have called you to let you know that he was leaving to come to the game......seems you guys do not communicate as best as possible. Sorry.... just an outsiders opinion. one is wrong....... just each seemed to be thinking only of themself.

Apr 21 @ 8:19PM  
When he calls and says he MAY NOT make it. What the hell are you suppose to do???? sit on the fucking ticket in the off chance he may come. you had no choice. you needed to offer the ticket to somebody and give them a reasonable amount of time ti make it there.

Saying "Might" is a cop-out. If he stuck you with the ticket and didn't come down he would have said he " I told you I might not come down, you should have got somebody else"

sorry guys (and some gals) like this piss me off

Apr 21 @ 8:24PM  
PS...when he says "I'm not in the MOOD to hang out with people", it sure the hell sounded like he was making an excuse to bail on you that night. he didn't say "I MIGHT NOT feel like hanging out with people"

sorry...I know you love him...But he's a dick

It's hard for me to come off ass angry with this picture of me with a big smile. just print it and draw "angry eyebrows" on it

Apr 21 @ 9:21PM  
imho, agree to disagree and have make-up sex...then laugh it off

Apr 21 @ 11:32PM  
I don't think you did anything wrong... and I don't think he's as pissed as you think he is. I think he just had a stressful week.... he hoofed it to try and come to see you.... and it didn't "work".

No wrong doings on either side I suppose... except for his tude... that's not cool

Apr 22 @ 3:55AM  
As I see it there was a lack of communication on both sides, his for not telling you he had a change of heart and yours for not telling him you had found someone else to go with. Having said that he should not have been so annoyed but maybe that is grief as he has lost a loved one recently. There are 3 general stages to grieving, depression, anger though I don't rightly recall the third (I have a book on grieving somewhere but I didn't read it fully as I thought I didn't need to being the stubborn git I am). I understand the grieving process having gone through it twice in almost as many years. True you should not have to apologise and if he is the person you think him to be you can work this out. Maybe you should quietly suggest he sees a grief counsellor as it would help him to learn to deal with his anger. If his anger is not caused by his loss you could have serious issues later on in the relationship.

Sep 9 @ 3:59PM  
Cincinnati Reds

As far as miscommunications go, I had those with various friends. However, yesterday was a day to where I was having a bad day and I let something interfare with that. I took their comments the wrong way, and feel really bad about that. After I shot back one email, I shot another back apologizing to that person.

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