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Nonstop Tears

posted 4/11/2007 1:24:41 AM |
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tagged: men, medical, relationships, depression

So surprise surprise I am not feeling well today. Once again have the shakes and am hurting all over. I feel like everything is dying from the inside out. Last few days I can't seem to stop from breaking down into spontaneous tears. It has been my experience in the past that sometimes when I cry feeling the way I do now someone has had tradgedy. Like I cried like this for 2 days before Tara died and cried like this a day or two before Alden died. It hasn't always been the case but it always worries me that some horrible thing could be coming this way. I pray it is wrong, that I Am just an idiot who can't contain my stupid emotions.
Last few days I haven't even hardly been able to get out of bed. I don't want to eat, my chin is more itchy by the day and my insides hurt like hell. It has gotten bad enough that I have called the doctor and I have an appointment for tomorrow. I am going to get them to do a full blood work up and see if there isn't something that could be running deeper than any of us realize.
Ya know I have said alot of the crap that I hate Phil does like his persistant yelling and put downs. But I do have to say through all my sickness and depression he has put up with alot. He tries to keep thi He helps me out with Sarah when I just don't have the energy to deal with her. And in the last couple months when I have been really weak he has even cooked when I couldn't. Including bring me soup and crackers and gingerale to me in bed. Now if he did all that without putting me down for being sick and making me feel somehow less than everyone else and worthless. If he did it without yelling at me about everything he would be my hero, he truly would, because I cherish how much those moments mean to me. But it feels like there is an emotional pricetag that comes with it and that cost is high :'(
Oh he went and got my bracelet exchanged that he bought me for easter. It a fragile gold bracelet with a tiny heart cut out of it. Too fragile to have my name engraved on it:( It's a beautiful little bracelet I love it. I will have to get a bigger stronger one one day though cause I want one with my name on it. They said this one is too thin it would break :'(
I was thinking today about my kids. This weekend when something was said to DJ and he told me. I immedietly wanted to come to his defense but he asked me not to. They knew I would have completely lost it. It took all I had to respect his wishes because he was so upset he couldn't eat and he had been saying all night he was so hungry. When I was in school I was never really the popular kid. I was known and I had big friends but it was my siblings and friends or BF's who stood up for me. I usually stood behind them. IU have raised my kids to stand up to people and don't back down. I am very rpoud of them for their strong personalities and 2 out of the 3 generally won't back down. I am the parent who is very protective and I am loud and out there if you attack someone I love or my kids. DJ is a special case I am even more strongly opinionated with him because I don't feel as if I have given him enough of my protection in life and I owe him that back! Teachers generally know me well. Other parents get to know me especially if you try to attack my kids. Don't cross me!!! Phil and I have had some huge arguments over how strongly I come onto people when it involves my kids. My brother not so much argued with me but we've had some strong conversation cause he says I am making up for the teachers and people who did me wrong as a kid. I told him I will give him that but that won't change the way I feel. Teachers have a job to do and some take advantage of their authority!!!
My fricken rings are all sliding off, I don't get how much more weight I can loose from my damn fingers. Grrrrr!
Oh I am so glad finally the DNA is back from Dr. Michael Baird PH.D and 99.9999% Larry Birkhead IS the father of Anna Nicole's Baby girl Dannielynn. Howard Stern's speech brought me to tears. I think he was wonderful about it. Just you 2 PLEASE KEEP VERGIE AWAY FROM HER!!!!
K I am off got a roast cooking:)

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Apr 11 @ 2:41AM  
One thing I don't need, right now is More Tears.....{My late wifes Birthday} . . .
so..I didn't even read the Blog...

...GOOD BLOG . . .

Apr 11 @ 3:47AM  
I hope you start to feel better, and i agree about keeping Fergie away from the baby. When you go to the doctor, have him check to see if you are diabetic. either low or high. Mood swings, weakness, lack of energy are just some of the signs for it, not saying it is, but doesnt hurt to have them check it out,to see if you have low or high blood sugars. good luck.

Apr 11 @ 1:26PM  
Bless ur heart!! I hope u get well soon and when u get done at the doc post another blog and give us a summary of how it went and whats wrong!! Sweety get well soon!! I'll have u in my prayers!!

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